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Dec. 5th, 2008 07:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
which_chickI had a depressing evening at pony last night, just couldn't put it together. Pony lady, of late, has had me on Cole, whom I am not really that fond of. He and I are not on the same page and it's very frustrating to ride him. *sigh* It feels like he's ignoring me. I feel ineffective and useless. She's like "Don't take your leg off him." Right, okay. LEG ON. Then she's like "No, no, you're gripping with your thighs." Right. RELAX THIGHS. "Don't take your leg off him." Right. LEG ON again because it fell off when we went to RELAX THIGHS. "Kick him, he's ignoring you." (cue mental voice) And I do that without taking my leg off him exactly *how*? It's just so... frustrating.
Probably this is karmic payback for instantly being able to do geometric proofs or for understanding how to diagram sentences like I understand how to laugh. What really, really sucks, the thing I hate the most? She's like, "Okay, what should you be doing, here?" and I can *say* the answer, spot on. I have no trouble TELLING her what I should be doing. Just... I can't make me *DO* the answer in a timely and soft and rhythmic (horses like rhythm and I have none) fashion. It totally sucks to know what the answer is but not be able to DO anything about it. The huge disconnect between *knowing* what to do and being able to do it is probably the most frustrating fucking thing in the entire world. (For readers who have never met me in person: I am of average coordination and have no inborn or acquired issues with my motor nerves, balance, or muscles that would account for my difficulties. There's nothing *wrong* with me, particularly. I'm not overweight. All my parts work pretty much the way they're supposed to. I'm just not a very kinesthetic learner and stuff involving kinets is extremely difficult for me.)
After pony, I went to the grocery specifically to pick up cilantro, hot green peppers (thai or jalapeno or whatever -- I was ready to be flexible as to type), and fresh ginger. The grocery had no cilantro. The shelves were picked clean. The grocery had no hot green peppers of any sort. The cubby where the hot green peppers reside was totally bare. They did have ancho chilies, but those are not particularly suitable for "hot green peppers" because they aren't hot. They also had round red peppers with a heat of "3" (jalapenos are a "7" on the grocery store scale of scary hotness) but those were red and not hot enough either, so I didn't buy them. And the fresh ginger, apparently there was a run on that, too. Fuck. 0 for 3, here Weis. You are not meeting my dietary needs.
I was pissed enough about the grocery store and the pony evening that I came straight home and built a fire and fell face-first into the fourth vampire novel, which is... exactly as dreadful as I had hoped. I got most of the way through it (about the time the Volturi showed up, if that helps) before my eyes started to burn in a "need sleep NOW" sort of way. If I don't go to sleep when the eyes burn, i will seriously regret it the following day, so I went to bed.
Today at work I have to put in a water heater at the terrace. I am not looking forward to this little project.
(Current song is about... teh ghey. It might be about something else, but I'm betting not. There's a video for the song in which the band is naked, if anyone is interested. Probably you ought not watch that at work, kiddies. The amount of lovingly-filmed beefcake in the video makes a pretty good case in favor of, if you ask me.)
Probably this is karmic payback for instantly being able to do geometric proofs or for understanding how to diagram sentences like I understand how to laugh. What really, really sucks, the thing I hate the most? She's like, "Okay, what should you be doing, here?" and I can *say* the answer, spot on. I have no trouble TELLING her what I should be doing. Just... I can't make me *DO* the answer in a timely and soft and rhythmic (horses like rhythm and I have none) fashion. It totally sucks to know what the answer is but not be able to DO anything about it. The huge disconnect between *knowing* what to do and being able to do it is probably the most frustrating fucking thing in the entire world. (For readers who have never met me in person: I am of average coordination and have no inborn or acquired issues with my motor nerves, balance, or muscles that would account for my difficulties. There's nothing *wrong* with me, particularly. I'm not overweight. All my parts work pretty much the way they're supposed to. I'm just not a very kinesthetic learner and stuff involving kinets is extremely difficult for me.)
After pony, I went to the grocery specifically to pick up cilantro, hot green peppers (thai or jalapeno or whatever -- I was ready to be flexible as to type), and fresh ginger. The grocery had no cilantro. The shelves were picked clean. The grocery had no hot green peppers of any sort. The cubby where the hot green peppers reside was totally bare. They did have ancho chilies, but those are not particularly suitable for "hot green peppers" because they aren't hot. They also had round red peppers with a heat of "3" (jalapenos are a "7" on the grocery store scale of scary hotness) but those were red and not hot enough either, so I didn't buy them. And the fresh ginger, apparently there was a run on that, too. Fuck. 0 for 3, here Weis. You are not meeting my dietary needs.
I was pissed enough about the grocery store and the pony evening that I came straight home and built a fire and fell face-first into the fourth vampire novel, which is... exactly as dreadful as I had hoped. I got most of the way through it (about the time the Volturi showed up, if that helps) before my eyes started to burn in a "need sleep NOW" sort of way. If I don't go to sleep when the eyes burn, i will seriously regret it the following day, so I went to bed.
Today at work I have to put in a water heater at the terrace. I am not looking forward to this little project.
(Current song is about... teh ghey. It might be about something else, but I'm betting not. There's a video for the song in which the band is naked, if anyone is interested. Probably you ought not watch that at work, kiddies. The amount of lovingly-filmed beefcake in the video makes a pretty good case in favor of, if you ask me.)
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no subject
Date: 2008-12-05 12:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-06 12:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-05 11:12 pm (UTC)Because it will, y'know, you're just stuck in the point between "knowing what to do," and "not having to think about what to do". It's not that you yourself are unco-ordinated / not responding fast enough - it's that nobody can react fast enough if they are thinking about it before they do it. Sadly all that fixes this is repetition - but repetition is boring and jawcrackingly frustrating.
What may or may not help, is that especially at this stage, your influence on pony is inextricably linked with your correctness of balance / position. Memorise how it feels when it is right, (instead of thinking: Relax thighs) and then when it is wrong, attempt to produce the feeling of right in yourself, without worrying about pony. Pony cannot be right unless you are right first. Which is fucking annoying, I know.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-06 01:31 am (UTC)If I worry about me without worrying about what the pony is doing, he drifts inward until he is standing in front of pony lady and comes to a halt. Cole will not just pack me round and round while I work on my shit. I have to steer. I have to keep him even. I have to keep him going at the suggested speed and gait instead of letting him (a) fall into a dog slow walk or (b) accelerate, head high and back hollow, until he's on his forehand and frantic. I have to defeat the leftward spiral of death and the broken toy thing going right. He needs leg on him all the time to feel secure and happy and I don't have enough leg to do that. He needs quicker, lighter leg aids. Apparently I have stupid, heavy, slow legs that can't taptaptap like he wants. (I've tried.) He needs a regular and ongoing conversation with *better* contact that is continual and softer than I am currently capable of doing. Yes, I need to get better. It's just there are so many things that I can't do and I am having real trouble trying to string enough of them together to be at all effective.
Cole *sometimes* does what I want but it feels a whole lot like I'm the American Tourist in (for example) Cambodia. I gesture a lot and point and speak REALLY LOUDLY in English and he just stands there, confused and getting irritated because, yo, he does not speak English. Thing is, neither do I speak Cambodian.