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Feb. 3rd, 2006 08:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
which_chickOpen letter to all tenants, past, present, and future:
Please do not try to patch the holes in the walls. Honest, please don't.
If you simply MUST patch the holes in the walls, please use only Proform All-Purpose Joint Compound -- it works nicely, dries fairly quickly, and sands like a dream. It's good stuff. If you MUST patch the holes in the walls, use this stuff. Use only this stuff. You may not use the plastic lightweight shit that comes in small tubs. I don't like it. You may not use DAP Wallboard Compound, which also comes in smallish tubs. (It's harder to sand). You can only use the stuff in the picture, which is expensive and comes in a huge, heavy bucket that is difficult to open and close. (I don't know if they sell a smaller size container. We buy this size.) If that's not convenient for you, well, hell, we'd rather you didn't patch the holes in the walls at all. Stop right now. We both win!
Assuming that you have patched the holes in the wall, which we did not want you to do, and that you did so with the proper paste (see above -- there's a picture, for fuck's sake), please stop there. Do not do anything further. That's plenty. We'll consider the holes in the walls "fixed". We will not charge you the twenty bucks per wall for holes. Please. Stop there. You can get more of your deposit back by cleaning the stove and fridge. Try that. And the bathtub. Do the floors. Rent a carpet machine and do the carpets. You don't have to do more with the walls. The walls are good. Holes all gone! Yay! Stop fucking with the walls.
I can see it in your eyes -- you want to be helpful. If you absolutely must do more, and we'd rather you didn't, the next step is sanding. I don't care who the fuck you are, you are not Rembrandt with the damn knife. You are not an artiste. No matter how damn good you think you are with paste and a knife, the next step is NOT painting. The next step is sanding the paste so that it's smooth. You must wait until the paste is completely dry before you try to sand it. Sanding wet paste will fuck things up. You cannot rush this. We'd be happy to do this for you if you want to stop now.
But no. You want to FIX things. (Asshole.) Now, the walls in many of our apartments are made of horsehair plaster and lath, sometimes covered with layers of wallpaper. They are not particularly smooth to start with, having sagged and buckled in the hundred-odd years of their life into a rather more organic shape, and some of them move a little if you press too hard on them. This makes the sanding process more complex and, really, we'd rather you just left it to the pros. That'd be us. Please do not sand the walls. We will sand the walls into smoothly rounded, flowing shapes that don't look like utter hell. Let us sand the walls.
If you have to sand the walls, and I have no idea why you'd want to do so because it's actual physical labor and takes time, please use a foam-squishy sandpaper block. The hardware store has them and they're not expensive. Make sure that you blend the edges of the paste into the wall surface smoothly, so that you can not see or feel a ridge between the paste and the wall. This process makes a lot of fine dust that probably doesn't do anyone any good. It's also messy as hell. You really shouldn't be sanding the walls. Just let us do it. Y'know, we get paid to do this. It's okay to leave it for us.
Now, look at your work. If you've gotten this far, probably you want to continue. (You are not Bob Vila. You're not even Tim from Tool Time. Why don't you BUY A HOUSE if you want to fuck around with your repairs? Quit foisting your shitty work on me! Quit fucking up my apartments!) Look at your work -- is it smooth? Did you put the paste on too thickly so that it cracked as it dried? Did you sand down too far and get the crack showing again? You go back to the paste and the knife and you try to fix your mistakes. You wait for the paste to dry. You sand AGAIN. Yes, I know you sanded ONCE. Each time you get out the knife and the paste, there is going to be sanding. Each and every time. You can repeat as needed until everything is smooth and either flat or gently rounded and attractive. (Flatness may not be possible on all surfaces and we understand that, but smoothness is possible on ALL surfaces and that's the level of sanding that we expect. If that's too hard, you could just let us do it.)
NOW, it is time to paint, though we'd rather you didn't. Please do not go to the hardware store and select some flavor of off white that you think will work. It will be the wrong color and we'll have to repaint the fucking apartment anyway. You don't have to paint, you know. You could just let us paint. We're good at it. We LIKE painting. (Okay. I like painting. Bill fucking hates painting. Whenever possible, I paint and Bill does non-painting things.) However, if you really must paint (please don't), check with us for what color of paint to use. We can probably give you some. We buy it in five gallon buckets. That way, you'd at least have the right color to slop on the carpet and drip on the trim. It'd match the shit on the walls and I guess that's a start. But really, we'd rather you didn't do any of this.
However, if you only take one thing away from this, here is the item I'd like you to take: People who paint without sanding go directly to hell -- do not pass through purgatory, do not achieve salvation, nothing but eternal damnation with extra sulfur and brimstone. That's why it's important to NEVER, EVER PAINT YOUR SHITTY FUCKING PATCH JOBS WITHOUT SANDING THEM FIRST. NEVER. EVER.
Free bonus information: If you ever have to FIX someone's shitty fucking patch job that has been painted without sanding, you sand it hard with the coarse paper to take off the thin, breakable ridges and big hunks. Then you repatch with paste and knife, trying to make a really thin layer overtop of the other person's fucking mess. Wait for it to dry and sand to give the appearance of smoothness. While this is not as good as a proper patch, it looks a lot better than what they left you.
Please do not try to patch the holes in the walls. Honest, please don't.
If you simply MUST patch the holes in the walls, please use only Proform All-Purpose Joint Compound -- it works nicely, dries fairly quickly, and sands like a dream. It's good stuff. If you MUST patch the holes in the walls, use this stuff. Use only this stuff. You may not use the plastic lightweight shit that comes in small tubs. I don't like it. You may not use DAP Wallboard Compound, which also comes in smallish tubs. (It's harder to sand). You can only use the stuff in the picture, which is expensive and comes in a huge, heavy bucket that is difficult to open and close. (I don't know if they sell a smaller size container. We buy this size.) If that's not convenient for you, well, hell, we'd rather you didn't patch the holes in the walls at all. Stop right now. We both win!
Assuming that you have patched the holes in the wall, which we did not want you to do, and that you did so with the proper paste (see above -- there's a picture, for fuck's sake), please stop there. Do not do anything further. That's plenty. We'll consider the holes in the walls "fixed". We will not charge you the twenty bucks per wall for holes. Please. Stop there. You can get more of your deposit back by cleaning the stove and fridge. Try that. And the bathtub. Do the floors. Rent a carpet machine and do the carpets. You don't have to do more with the walls. The walls are good. Holes all gone! Yay! Stop fucking with the walls.
I can see it in your eyes -- you want to be helpful. If you absolutely must do more, and we'd rather you didn't, the next step is sanding. I don't care who the fuck you are, you are not Rembrandt with the damn knife. You are not an artiste. No matter how damn good you think you are with paste and a knife, the next step is NOT painting. The next step is sanding the paste so that it's smooth. You must wait until the paste is completely dry before you try to sand it. Sanding wet paste will fuck things up. You cannot rush this. We'd be happy to do this for you if you want to stop now.
But no. You want to FIX things. (Asshole.) Now, the walls in many of our apartments are made of horsehair plaster and lath, sometimes covered with layers of wallpaper. They are not particularly smooth to start with, having sagged and buckled in the hundred-odd years of their life into a rather more organic shape, and some of them move a little if you press too hard on them. This makes the sanding process more complex and, really, we'd rather you just left it to the pros. That'd be us. Please do not sand the walls. We will sand the walls into smoothly rounded, flowing shapes that don't look like utter hell. Let us sand the walls.
If you have to sand the walls, and I have no idea why you'd want to do so because it's actual physical labor and takes time, please use a foam-squishy sandpaper block. The hardware store has them and they're not expensive. Make sure that you blend the edges of the paste into the wall surface smoothly, so that you can not see or feel a ridge between the paste and the wall. This process makes a lot of fine dust that probably doesn't do anyone any good. It's also messy as hell. You really shouldn't be sanding the walls. Just let us do it. Y'know, we get paid to do this. It's okay to leave it for us.
Now, look at your work. If you've gotten this far, probably you want to continue. (You are not Bob Vila. You're not even Tim from Tool Time. Why don't you BUY A HOUSE if you want to fuck around with your repairs? Quit foisting your shitty work on me! Quit fucking up my apartments!) Look at your work -- is it smooth? Did you put the paste on too thickly so that it cracked as it dried? Did you sand down too far and get the crack showing again? You go back to the paste and the knife and you try to fix your mistakes. You wait for the paste to dry. You sand AGAIN. Yes, I know you sanded ONCE. Each time you get out the knife and the paste, there is going to be sanding. Each and every time. You can repeat as needed until everything is smooth and either flat or gently rounded and attractive. (Flatness may not be possible on all surfaces and we understand that, but smoothness is possible on ALL surfaces and that's the level of sanding that we expect. If that's too hard, you could just let us do it.)
NOW, it is time to paint, though we'd rather you didn't. Please do not go to the hardware store and select some flavor of off white that you think will work. It will be the wrong color and we'll have to repaint the fucking apartment anyway. You don't have to paint, you know. You could just let us paint. We're good at it. We LIKE painting. (Okay. I like painting. Bill fucking hates painting. Whenever possible, I paint and Bill does non-painting things.) However, if you really must paint (please don't), check with us for what color of paint to use. We can probably give you some. We buy it in five gallon buckets. That way, you'd at least have the right color to slop on the carpet and drip on the trim. It'd match the shit on the walls and I guess that's a start. But really, we'd rather you didn't do any of this.
However, if you only take one thing away from this, here is the item I'd like you to take: People who paint without sanding go directly to hell -- do not pass through purgatory, do not achieve salvation, nothing but eternal damnation with extra sulfur and brimstone. That's why it's important to NEVER, EVER PAINT YOUR SHITTY FUCKING PATCH JOBS WITHOUT SANDING THEM FIRST. NEVER. EVER.
Free bonus information: If you ever have to FIX someone's shitty fucking patch job that has been painted without sanding, you sand it hard with the coarse paper to take off the thin, breakable ridges and big hunks. Then you repatch with paste and knife, trying to make a really thin layer overtop of the other person's fucking mess. Wait for it to dry and sand to give the appearance of smoothness. While this is not as good as a proper patch, it looks a lot better than what they left you.
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no subject
Date: 2006-02-04 06:46 am (UTC)(Sanding is not easy. It takes ALL DAY just to sand a door.)
no subject
Date: 2006-02-04 03:43 pm (UTC)I like having my own home and being able to do things for myself. Well, with the spouse directing and doing the worst bits.