which_chick | (no subject)

I have not ever regretted doing the people I've done, but I regret the hell out of not-doing two of the people I could have done but didn't do on grounds of moral, appropriate behavior. One was only offering because he was young and drunk to the gills -- he had a girlfriend with whom he was blindingly, deepy in love. (He later married her and is, to the best of my knowledge, still married -- so my take on that situation was not out of line.) The other offered while I was seeing someone else... and you dance with the one what brung ya. *sigh*

I know that offers from brilliantly shining pearls of great price come once in a lifetime. I know. I've had two of 'em, so my way is not exactly fucking strewn with brilliantly shining pearls of great price. And I know that if I turn them down on the grounds of moral, appropriate behavior, I'll be regretting it for years and years to come in a quiet, back of the mind way. I knew that the moment I turned the first one down. I was drunk, seventeen, had never had a date, and was reeling in the heady and certain knowledge that the absolutely gorgeous boy I'd lusted after for three years wanted me on at least the most basic of levels. (Yes, well, he was also seventeen. He probably got hard over linoleum at that age, but I wasn't really willing to argue the point.) I turned him down on the grounds that he had a girlfriend that he was truly, madly, deeply in love with and it'd be wrong for him to cheat on her. That was my reasoning for turning him down -- he'd regret it in the morning. (I ask you, what the fuck was I thinking? I was drunk, seventeen, and being offered what I had wanted until it hurt but had never, ever thought I could have... and I turned it down.)

I've been regretting it since, kinda, in a quiet back-of-the-mind way.

The second I turned down because I was seeing someone else. I didn't love the someone else. I knew it and he knew it and the guy offering knew it. We were all on the same page, and still I could not cheat on the guy I was seeing to have this other guy that I really, really, really wanted. It'd be wrong, you see. It's wrong to cheat on someone even if someone else a whole lot better comes down the pike. Again, been regretting it since. *sigh* Bugger it.

These were once-in-a-lifetime offers and they aren't going to come around again. There was a perfect moment to say yes. In that moment, I said no and the cup of opportunity passed from me. It's not much use rehashing the events in my mind -- I'd say no again, even knowing what I know now -- and if, a third time, I'm offered a brilliantly shining pearl of great price that it would be morally inappropriate to accept, I will turn it down, knowing the lifetime of quiet, back-of-the-mind regret that awaits me.

(The reason we're having this discussion right here and right now is that I got an email from the second pearl of great price, who's invited me up to see his house and meet his girlfriend and his dog and his life that I can't have. I'm considering going. My primary concern at this point is my doubtful ability to remain pleasant and social while looking at what I really want and cannot have. It isn't good to go be a guest at someone's house if you're going to be unpleasant and/or hit on the host in front of his live-in girlfriend, so I'm thinking on it right now.)

Fairly frequently, I wind up in discussions I do not want to have with men of some cloth or other. I honestly don't pick fights with preachers... but I wind up in them. Probably there's some flashing neon sign on my head that says atheist or something, drawing them like moths to a flame. Anyway, the thing that irritates them the most, the thing that they can't get a grip on, is what makes me so sure on matters of right and wrong. They're all like "Yes, but what do you base it on? What is your foundation? What do you rest your back against that allows you to stand so firmly?" It's like they'd be fine with me if I were grounded by their higher power... but when I allow as how there's just me, looking at myself in the mirror every day, they refuse to accept that this is a viable foundation for morally correct behavior. This, this denial of my right to be sure, more than any other aspect of organized religion, pisses me off. A lot. It's like they can't believe that anybody can be good without some bearded vengeance demon looking down upon them from on high. Bugger that. I don't need a vengeance demon looking down on me to be good. I've got me looking at me... and some day I'll be able to convince the religious idiots that this is not the soft option.