Not about dark wizards
Dec. 26th, 2024 10:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
which_chickMy dad's 82. He is going more-or-less deaf, despite his hearing aids, and that makes it difficult for him to get through his days without someone along to speak in the pitch he can hear and understand, to make eye contact with him, to clarify and check his understanding, etc.
I've been trying to let him have his own agency as much as possible, but it's getting harder and harder to let him navigate his own things because he's a fucking master of "nod-n-smile" while not understanding. And he doesn't seem to get that "nod-n-smile" while not understanding is not an effective way to navigate the world. This is particularly a problem at the moment with his fucking healthcare. It was a problem this summer with The Very Large Splinter and it continues to be a problem. *sigh* I guess this is how we live now.
My dad doesn't healthcare. He is not a healthcare fan. So, when he DOES opt to go to healthcare, it's important to take him seriously. He has to feel pretty fucking shitty before he will voluntarily go to a doctor of any sort.
Dad asked about getting a doctor appointment last week for ongoing "digestive issues". They fit him in fairly quickly and he went to the doctor. The "digestive issues" were, like, diarrhea and upset stomach and stuff, but ongoing and recurrent for the last month or so. Now, he has a beach house in Mexico (that he still visits, just came back from a visit in December) and it's quite possible that he picked up intestinal parasites down there. So, he went to the GP to see if he had parasites.
At the visit, which I did not attend, I am almost 100% certain that he carefully did not mention the gradual, year long loss of more than twenty pounds of weight (without "trying") that he's been experiencing because in his mind it is unrelated to the digestive issues. (I have remarked on the weight loss multiple times since last year and each time I have said I was worried about it and asked him if he wanted to see a doctor. Each time, his response has been I feel fine with a side order of shut up about it and so I have let him continue to shrink. He is an adult and he is allowed to make his own choices, even if they are wrong.)
At the visit, the doc ordered a stool sample which he provided. A few days later, the office called me (he can't do phone calls anymore so I get all the phone calls) back saying there was occult blood in the stool and made us schedule with the local ass camera operator for a consult, which we did. The consult appointment is January 9.
Dad had the doc appointment with the GP today to "go over" the results from the stool sample. I let him attend alone. (He still drives reasonably well and again, I'm trying to let him have agency as much as is possible.) He returned, in a bit of a pissy mood, to tell me that someone was lying because the GP had said that "the stool sample was fine". *sigh* He wanted me to call the office and get clarification on this (because he could not hear and/or have this discussion in the office and he's conflict avoidant and just... fuckitall, Dad) so I did.
On the phone, the GP's office clarified that the doc said "the stool sample has no parasites" and also said "the stool sample has occult blood" -- that these were both true statements. Which I already knew. They'd called with the no-parasites info the day before xmas and I don't know why the living fuck he had to go in to have the doc tell him that, but w/e. The mysteries of modern medicine are opaque as hell.
Me: Dad, you do not have parasites. That part is fine. You DO have blood in your stool. That part is NOT FINE.
Dad: Why did she say it was "fine" if there was blood?
Me: The "fine" part was only about the parasite question. You do not have parasites. For the blood issue, they do not have a diagnosis. To get a diagnosis, you have to go to the ass camera guy and then the ass camera guy will take a look-see, maybe get some tissue samples, possibly send them to the biopsy people and then we'll wait to hear back on that and it'll be like four more appointments and a month or so before someone comes in and tells you for sure what is wrong with you. Right now, though, you only have symptoms.
Dad: Well, what the fuck is wrong with me?
Me: I just told you. They don't know yet. *sigh* Look. Have you googled causes of unexplained weight loss of like 25 lbs over the last year plus ongoing digestive issues plus blood in your stool?
Dad: No.
Me: Colon cancer, dad. There can be other causes, for sure, but the way to bet, for an 82 year old dude with a gradual, year-long weight loss of over twenty pounds, the ongoing digestive upset, and the occult blood, that's colon cancer if you're of a betting mind.
Dad: Why didn't the doctor say that?
Me: Did you tell her about the weight loss?
Dad: No.
Me: So, she doesn't have all the information that I have. But also colon cancer is JUST A THEORY right now. Theories can be wrong. Wrong theories upset people. Upset people sue doctors. Doctors do not want to be sued. Right now, all your doctor knows for sure is that you have "concerning symptoms" and you need a referral to a specialist for a diagnosis. She has done that.
Dad: This is bullshit.
Me: You're tellin' me. Do you want me to come with you to your doctor appointments going forward?
Dad: That wouldn't be a bad idea. Maybe you can get the bastards to say what they mean. (from him, this is a "Yes, please, and then you can explain it to me again in the car because I sure as shit didn't hear it in the doctor's office.")
Anyway, watch this space for exciting updates on the "Does Dad have colon cancer or not?" front. Place your wagers!
Side note: If you're thinking that I do not care about my dad, well, fuck you. Also, whether or not I care, cancer doesn't give a shit. It takes who it wants, when it wants, with zero fucks given for how much a person's friends and family care about them.
I've been trying to let him have his own agency as much as possible, but it's getting harder and harder to let him navigate his own things because he's a fucking master of "nod-n-smile" while not understanding. And he doesn't seem to get that "nod-n-smile" while not understanding is not an effective way to navigate the world. This is particularly a problem at the moment with his fucking healthcare. It was a problem this summer with The Very Large Splinter and it continues to be a problem. *sigh* I guess this is how we live now.
My dad doesn't healthcare. He is not a healthcare fan. So, when he DOES opt to go to healthcare, it's important to take him seriously. He has to feel pretty fucking shitty before he will voluntarily go to a doctor of any sort.
Dad asked about getting a doctor appointment last week for ongoing "digestive issues". They fit him in fairly quickly and he went to the doctor. The "digestive issues" were, like, diarrhea and upset stomach and stuff, but ongoing and recurrent for the last month or so. Now, he has a beach house in Mexico (that he still visits, just came back from a visit in December) and it's quite possible that he picked up intestinal parasites down there. So, he went to the GP to see if he had parasites.
At the visit, which I did not attend, I am almost 100% certain that he carefully did not mention the gradual, year long loss of more than twenty pounds of weight (without "trying") that he's been experiencing because in his mind it is unrelated to the digestive issues. (I have remarked on the weight loss multiple times since last year and each time I have said I was worried about it and asked him if he wanted to see a doctor. Each time, his response has been I feel fine with a side order of shut up about it and so I have let him continue to shrink. He is an adult and he is allowed to make his own choices, even if they are wrong.)
At the visit, the doc ordered a stool sample which he provided. A few days later, the office called me (he can't do phone calls anymore so I get all the phone calls) back saying there was occult blood in the stool and made us schedule with the local ass camera operator for a consult, which we did. The consult appointment is January 9.
Dad had the doc appointment with the GP today to "go over" the results from the stool sample. I let him attend alone. (He still drives reasonably well and again, I'm trying to let him have agency as much as is possible.) He returned, in a bit of a pissy mood, to tell me that someone was lying because the GP had said that "the stool sample was fine". *sigh* He wanted me to call the office and get clarification on this (because he could not hear and/or have this discussion in the office and he's conflict avoidant and just... fuckitall, Dad) so I did.
On the phone, the GP's office clarified that the doc said "the stool sample has no parasites" and also said "the stool sample has occult blood" -- that these were both true statements. Which I already knew. They'd called with the no-parasites info the day before xmas and I don't know why the living fuck he had to go in to have the doc tell him that, but w/e. The mysteries of modern medicine are opaque as hell.
Me: Dad, you do not have parasites. That part is fine. You DO have blood in your stool. That part is NOT FINE.
Dad: Why did she say it was "fine" if there was blood?
Me: The "fine" part was only about the parasite question. You do not have parasites. For the blood issue, they do not have a diagnosis. To get a diagnosis, you have to go to the ass camera guy and then the ass camera guy will take a look-see, maybe get some tissue samples, possibly send them to the biopsy people and then we'll wait to hear back on that and it'll be like four more appointments and a month or so before someone comes in and tells you for sure what is wrong with you. Right now, though, you only have symptoms.
Dad: Well, what the fuck is wrong with me?
Me: I just told you. They don't know yet. *sigh* Look. Have you googled causes of unexplained weight loss of like 25 lbs over the last year plus ongoing digestive issues plus blood in your stool?
Dad: No.
Me: Colon cancer, dad. There can be other causes, for sure, but the way to bet, for an 82 year old dude with a gradual, year-long weight loss of over twenty pounds, the ongoing digestive upset, and the occult blood, that's colon cancer if you're of a betting mind.
Dad: Why didn't the doctor say that?
Me: Did you tell her about the weight loss?
Dad: No.
Me: So, she doesn't have all the information that I have. But also colon cancer is JUST A THEORY right now. Theories can be wrong. Wrong theories upset people. Upset people sue doctors. Doctors do not want to be sued. Right now, all your doctor knows for sure is that you have "concerning symptoms" and you need a referral to a specialist for a diagnosis. She has done that.
Dad: This is bullshit.
Me: You're tellin' me. Do you want me to come with you to your doctor appointments going forward?
Dad: That wouldn't be a bad idea. Maybe you can get the bastards to say what they mean. (from him, this is a "Yes, please, and then you can explain it to me again in the car because I sure as shit didn't hear it in the doctor's office.")
Anyway, watch this space for exciting updates on the "Does Dad have colon cancer or not?" front. Place your wagers!
Side note: If you're thinking that I do not care about my dad, well, fuck you. Also, whether or not I care, cancer doesn't give a shit. It takes who it wants, when it wants, with zero fucks given for how much a person's friends and family care about them.
no subject
Date: 2024-12-26 09:29 pm (UTC)It's really hard, having to figure out how to honor your elderly relatives' agency when they're making really bad calls. I'm there with my aunt currently. I get it.