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Feb. 6th, 2006 08:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
which_chickI am precisely 25 minutes into The Corpse Bride, a movie I have not previously seen. Our hero has married the corpse bride and we've just finished the skeleton song and dance number explaining how she got to be that way. As far as my mind is concerned, this movie is over and I've paused it to tell you why I think that.
1. The corpse bride was done wrong by the Noble Lord Whatsis what dumped the wine on the MIL-to-be's dress to put out the fire.
2. Lord Whatsis is going to try for the live maiden fair, unaware that her people are poor. (People only marry into trade because trade, being what it is, generally means money.
3. The corpse bride is going to nobly give up Our Hero so that the live maiden fair can have him.
4. Lord Whatsis is going to get what's coming to him.
Now, watching the movie to see if I am right.
(Movie now over)
I was right.
Dear Hollywood: It should take more than half an hour for me to figure out how the movie is supposed to end. I understand that you have to set it up and stuff so that the story makes sense (unless you're doing one of those plotless French films), but it should not be all over but the shouting in the first half hour.
In the event that it *does* have to be all over but the shoutin' in the first half hour, your execution of what I am going to be watching for the next hour or so should be (pick at least three) visually stunning, well-paced, nicely scored, interestingly filmed, cast with watchable people, equipped with subplots I can't suss out so easily, armored with dialogue I enjoy listening to, pimped out with excellent special effects, historically accurate, attractively costumed, or suitably faithful to the original material.
Even if you cannot manage any of that, I will still watch your movie if you let Johnny Depp dress up like a sort of swishy pirate character and give him lots of screen time. In fact, I'll not only see your movie in the theater, I will also buy the DVD so that I can watch your movie many, many times.
P. S. Filmmakers! If you are exercising the Depp option, please include other pretty mens in the movie so's to enhance the fanficification potential. Thanks!
1. The corpse bride was done wrong by the Noble Lord Whatsis what dumped the wine on the MIL-to-be's dress to put out the fire.
2. Lord Whatsis is going to try for the live maiden fair, unaware that her people are poor. (People only marry into trade because trade, being what it is, generally means money.
3. The corpse bride is going to nobly give up Our Hero so that the live maiden fair can have him.
4. Lord Whatsis is going to get what's coming to him.
Now, watching the movie to see if I am right.
(Movie now over)
I was right.
Dear Hollywood: It should take more than half an hour for me to figure out how the movie is supposed to end. I understand that you have to set it up and stuff so that the story makes sense (unless you're doing one of those plotless French films), but it should not be all over but the shouting in the first half hour.
In the event that it *does* have to be all over but the shoutin' in the first half hour, your execution of what I am going to be watching for the next hour or so should be (pick at least three) visually stunning, well-paced, nicely scored, interestingly filmed, cast with watchable people, equipped with subplots I can't suss out so easily, armored with dialogue I enjoy listening to, pimped out with excellent special effects, historically accurate, attractively costumed, or suitably faithful to the original material.
Even if you cannot manage any of that, I will still watch your movie if you let Johnny Depp dress up like a sort of swishy pirate character and give him lots of screen time. In fact, I'll not only see your movie in the theater, I will also buy the DVD so that I can watch your movie many, many times.
P. S. Filmmakers! If you are exercising the Depp option, please include other pretty mens in the movie so's to enhance the fanficification potential. Thanks!
