(no subject)
Aug. 26th, 2005 07:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
which_chickIf you've rented from us before, we will remember you. If you left three steps ahead of the constable who came to evict you with an order of possession, it's probably not a good idea to try renting from us again.
See, the thing is that we keep your tenant file forever and we have a number of vindictive assholes on the payroll who cackle madly upon discovering someone we threw out who's come back to try renting from us again. We honestly think it's pretty fucking funny that you expect us to not remember how badly you stiffed us last time. When we catch you, and we will, the entire office roars with laughter. We laugh because each one of you sorry pieces of shit represents a fair chunk of money we will never, ever see, money we are OWED, money we cannot collect because you don't fucking have it and never will. If we didn't laugh, we'd shoot you down like the dogs you are... and that's illegal. We can't get you arrested because owing your landlord over a thousand dollars in back rent is NOT A CRIME. (I do not lie. Normal, fiscally-responsible people think skipping out on the rent is a lock-up-in-jail offense, but it is not.) You can live in one of our apartments and pay no rent and the ABSOLUTE WORST that we can do to you is evict you and record the judgment against you. You will not go to jail over it, no matter how much money you owe us. (Recording a judgment might be useful if you owned anything worth auctioning off, were ever going to want to borrow any money, or would ever make anything of yourself. However, since that's a vanishingly small percentage of you fuckers, mostly we just have to suck it up and absorb the losses you give us.) So we laugh. I make with the mockery on my LJ because it makes me feel better about the whole thing.
Today, I address Mr. Michael N., whom we evicted in 2001 for nonpayment of rent. When we evicted him, he owed a bit more than $1200.00 of unpaid rent. Since that time, we have not seen one red cent of the owed $1200.00 and I'd lay good odds that we never will.
Mr. N.: While I'm glad that you like the apartment at 633, we are not going to rent to you again until you pay us what you owe from the LAST time you rented from us. Your daughter sounded like she was going to cry when we told her this over the phone. Did you fail to inform her that you'd stiffed us to the tune of twelve hundred dollars? Poor kid. It's not her fault you're a worthless drunk. (He is. I'm not making this up. He claims that he drinks because of social anxiety disorder. I was impressed to see him string three multisyllable words together in a row. He must have practiced ahead of time.) No, we do not wish to rent to you and then TAKE PAYMENTS OF TWENTY DOLLARS A MONTH on what you owe us, you dipshit. Are you stupid? Do you think we're stupid? That would mean we'd have to depend on you paying your rent PLUS twenty bucks a month for five fucking years (assuming no interest) to get what you owe us. If I actually thought you could pay anything in a regular and timely fashion, I might go for that... but I know damn well you can't pay anything in a timely fashion because if you could have done, we would not be sitting here POORER BY $1200.00 from your sorry ass slacker non-rent-paying behavior back in 2001. Also, I note with Jack's Complete and Total Lack of Surprise that you aren't offering to make payments on the money you owe us if we don't rent to you. The payments you offer are conditional upon letting you in to another one of our apartments. Sirrah, I laugh at the size of your carrot because I'm entirely too aware of the size of your stick.
Mr. N, I know that we are never, ever going to see that money... but they ain't NO law says I have to let you steal another eight or nine hundred from my pockets while I wait for you to get behind in the rent far enough for me to evict your ass again. I've seen that movie and I know how it comes out. I don't need to watch it again. Also, just to verify that you still had your leopard spots, I called your current landlord and asked her about you. She said she's throwing your ass out because you're two months behind, have trashed the place, and keep giving her the same old song and dance routine when what she really wants is the fucking rent money.
Also, I am returning the six hundred dollar check that you had the assistance office mail us because while I COULD credit it against your outstanding debt to us, it isn't fair to make the assistance office clean up your mess. I am, natch, returning that check to THEM because if I gave it to you, they'd never see it again. I figure they can use the money to help someone rather more deserving than you are. I *hope* that's what they do with it, anyway. I am including a letter with the check that explains why we are not willing to rent to you at this juncture. The more-than-twelve-hundred-dollars issue is mentioned, as is the fact that we called your current landlord and received an unacceptable reference from her that corraborated our experiences with you as a tenant. I would not be overly surprised if the assistance office is ... reluctant to help you further.
Ta!
See, the thing is that we keep your tenant file forever and we have a number of vindictive assholes on the payroll who cackle madly upon discovering someone we threw out who's come back to try renting from us again. We honestly think it's pretty fucking funny that you expect us to not remember how badly you stiffed us last time. When we catch you, and we will, the entire office roars with laughter. We laugh because each one of you sorry pieces of shit represents a fair chunk of money we will never, ever see, money we are OWED, money we cannot collect because you don't fucking have it and never will. If we didn't laugh, we'd shoot you down like the dogs you are... and that's illegal. We can't get you arrested because owing your landlord over a thousand dollars in back rent is NOT A CRIME. (I do not lie. Normal, fiscally-responsible people think skipping out on the rent is a lock-up-in-jail offense, but it is not.) You can live in one of our apartments and pay no rent and the ABSOLUTE WORST that we can do to you is evict you and record the judgment against you. You will not go to jail over it, no matter how much money you owe us. (Recording a judgment might be useful if you owned anything worth auctioning off, were ever going to want to borrow any money, or would ever make anything of yourself. However, since that's a vanishingly small percentage of you fuckers, mostly we just have to suck it up and absorb the losses you give us.) So we laugh. I make with the mockery on my LJ because it makes me feel better about the whole thing.
Today, I address Mr. Michael N., whom we evicted in 2001 for nonpayment of rent. When we evicted him, he owed a bit more than $1200.00 of unpaid rent. Since that time, we have not seen one red cent of the owed $1200.00 and I'd lay good odds that we never will.
Mr. N.: While I'm glad that you like the apartment at 633, we are not going to rent to you again until you pay us what you owe from the LAST time you rented from us. Your daughter sounded like she was going to cry when we told her this over the phone. Did you fail to inform her that you'd stiffed us to the tune of twelve hundred dollars? Poor kid. It's not her fault you're a worthless drunk. (He is. I'm not making this up. He claims that he drinks because of social anxiety disorder. I was impressed to see him string three multisyllable words together in a row. He must have practiced ahead of time.) No, we do not wish to rent to you and then TAKE PAYMENTS OF TWENTY DOLLARS A MONTH on what you owe us, you dipshit. Are you stupid? Do you think we're stupid? That would mean we'd have to depend on you paying your rent PLUS twenty bucks a month for five fucking years (assuming no interest) to get what you owe us. If I actually thought you could pay anything in a regular and timely fashion, I might go for that... but I know damn well you can't pay anything in a timely fashion because if you could have done, we would not be sitting here POORER BY $1200.00 from your sorry ass slacker non-rent-paying behavior back in 2001. Also, I note with Jack's Complete and Total Lack of Surprise that you aren't offering to make payments on the money you owe us if we don't rent to you. The payments you offer are conditional upon letting you in to another one of our apartments. Sirrah, I laugh at the size of your carrot because I'm entirely too aware of the size of your stick.
Mr. N, I know that we are never, ever going to see that money... but they ain't NO law says I have to let you steal another eight or nine hundred from my pockets while I wait for you to get behind in the rent far enough for me to evict your ass again. I've seen that movie and I know how it comes out. I don't need to watch it again. Also, just to verify that you still had your leopard spots, I called your current landlord and asked her about you. She said she's throwing your ass out because you're two months behind, have trashed the place, and keep giving her the same old song and dance routine when what she really wants is the fucking rent money.
Also, I am returning the six hundred dollar check that you had the assistance office mail us because while I COULD credit it against your outstanding debt to us, it isn't fair to make the assistance office clean up your mess. I am, natch, returning that check to THEM because if I gave it to you, they'd never see it again. I figure they can use the money to help someone rather more deserving than you are. I *hope* that's what they do with it, anyway. I am including a letter with the check that explains why we are not willing to rent to you at this juncture. The more-than-twelve-hundred-dollars issue is mentioned, as is the fact that we called your current landlord and received an unacceptable reference from her that corraborated our experiences with you as a tenant. I would not be overly surprised if the assistance office is ... reluctant to help you further.
Ta!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-08-27 03:20 am (UTC)I am going to have to remember that line. But if I ever use it in real life, I intend to be behind ten inches of hardened steel.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-03 01:26 am (UTC)