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which_chickToday I made progress on the spite chocolates. I've been contemplating my revenge spite chocolates and I not only have A Cunning Plan, I have some COMPONENTS ready to go. YAY!
If you are just now joining this adventure, note that spite chocolates are for my mother who invited me to visit over Thanksgiving weekend and then abandoned me while her husband directed / instructed / mansplained candy to me for two hours because ... she thought this was a thing I might enjoy? I have no idea. Anyway, I am a bit pissy about the whole thing so I am ... spitefully making better chocolates to send back to her.
Instead of being An Adult (tm) and communicating my feelings using words, I am making some spite chocolates to express how much fun I had being ditched to endure mansplained candymaking incompetence disguised as learning at the feet of the MASTER with her husband over the holiday weekend. (In case you were wondering, my mom does not read this. Also, her husband is, overall, a good guy if a bit mansplain-y.)
For what it's worth, the spite chocolates will be as delightful as I can make them, with home-made fillings of my own recipes and construction, said recipes tailored to the recipient's known tastes. There will be nine chocolates, each one different, each one lovely, because that's a way bigger fuck you than doing twenty four chocolates all the same.
If you do not understand how nine different chocolates is an order-of-magnitude-bigger fuck you than twenty-four chocolates all the same, it's OK. (I would have done ten for an ACTUAL order of magnitude, but that wouldn't box as well as a 3x3 square.) The reason nine different ones is a way bigger amount of spite is because it's not the SHEER NUMBER of chocolates that illustrates the spite, it's the amount of hassle the maker endured to produce them. Hell, if you are unsure how handcrafted, fairly gourmet chocolates are supposed to be spiteful at all, that's also OK. It is probably more healthy to belong to the group of people who USES WORDS and TALKS ABOUT FEELINGS and shit, but basically it's a physical demonstration of I am better at this than your husband and I learned absolutely nothing from him and you wasted, like, two hours of my time, communicated by nine chocolates that, honestly, themselves, will taste delicious and bear no-one any ill will. They'll also be attractively packaged and thoughtfully decorated to indicate their contents. (There is no spite if the spite gift is not executed to the very best of your ability. You can't half-ass the spite.)
Anyway, there will be nine chocolates.
Three ganache: plain, espresso, chili pepper
Three not-fondant kind of fudge-y fillings: plain with toffee bits, black raspberry, apricot
Three "other" fillings: caramel, coconut, peanut butter
I had chili pepper & dark chocolate bar from Mexico, Lala brought it back with her as a gift for me. It was... a little odd, but grew on me pretty quickly. Don't knock it until you've tried it.
The ganaches are kind of batch-able. I make good ganache and it's easy to divide into portions before stirring in flavoring. The coffee flavor is from my friend Trys's Nespresso machine, they keep sending her espresso samples that she doesn't drink. Imma make the chili infusion myself but I haven't done that yet. The espresso is sitting in a tiny jar in my fridge until I'm ready.
The non-fondant will, I think, be vanilla fudge. I like the texture of fudge. I know how to make fudge. (This is indeed the way I went. The recipe I used was here except I halved it and, for the raspberry & apricot, I had to add a small amount of cornstarch at the end to firm the resulting product enough to form it.) I think I can form fudge into dippable balls. (Yes! 100%. Works great!) Also, I think it'll work nicely to carry the fruit flavors and the small chunks of toffee. (It does. Where am I getting the fruit flavors? From fruit*. Where did I get toffee? Some of the peanut brittle liquid before I added the peanut part. (Peanut brittle is one of my holiday items that I make every year, anyway. I'm reliably good at it and it is literally no trouble to pour off a couple of tablespoons of the liquid before adding the peanuts. Imma crush it up and mix it with the vanilla non-fondant stuff. It'll be fine. Edit: It is not fine. It is outstanding. Were I doing this again, I'd make the fudge base without vanilla but it's seriously legit and fine with the vanilla. WAY BETTER THAN OVERCOOKED FUCKING FONDANT. Pro tip: You can "break" fudge and make it into balls, whereupon it is slightly giving and can be wrapped around things like, say, nut or toffee shards, but still will DEFINITELY firm up again enough to dip in chocolate.)
Caramel, I made from scratch because of course I did. It's dead simple and delightfully good. I gave the remainder of the caramel away to Lala because she likes it.
Coconut is super easy -- Baker's Secret and a can of coconut milk boiled down to... ridiculously thick plus some fondant sugar. Start with the coconut, add boiled-down-coconut-milk + sugar until the stuff holds together. I like MOAR COCONUT and no... powdered sugar in my coconut-filled dipped chocolates. I wouldn't try to keep the coconut unfridged for any length of time but fuck it's good. (A short note on storage and shelf-life will be included in the packaging. When you make mayfly chocolates, it's a good idea to inform people of that fact.)
I also made the peanut fillings using some of the hand-roasted fresh peanuts that I roasted in process of making the holiday peanut brittle. When you're already roasting peanuts, it's not a big deal to do some more for your spite chocolate project. Ground 'em up in the coffee grinder (not ever used for coffee) and added a little salt, oil, sugar, and a touch of molasses.
Like, this is a lot of spite. I should probably just try using words. Perhaps next time.
I've been telling people about my spite chocolate project, to variously amused and confused reactions. "That's a lot of work for spite." (Go big or go home.) "I don't see how this is communicating your feelings to your mother." (Good thing you're not her.) "What will you do if she doesn't understand that they're for spite?" (Nothing. Also odds of this happening are like, less than 20%. And also, I am HAVING FUN with my New Electric Train Set**. )
But, happily, catching up with my cousin Heather on the phone today, I told her of the Thanksgiving Visit and she was ... "Ouch. So what are you going to do, send her chocolates back? If so, I volunteer for quality control and/or leftovers." When I told her I was making nine different flavors, Heather said, "Oh hell, that's way worse than sending her like twenty of the same kind. You must be pretty pissed. Also, I will get some, right? Do I need to insult your chocolates? I could do that if it'd get me some." Lol. I assured her that it was not necessary to insult me to get chocolates.
Heather gets me.
Anyway, loads of progress being made on the whole spite chocolates front. I should be able to ship them out shortly.
Also, for anyone who was on tenterhooks about the plow truck situation, I borrowed Trysta's plow controller (exact same make and model as my own) and my plow stuff works great with her controller, so I bought a new (compatible) controller which should be here early in the coming week. They've discontinued the exact make and model of controller that I have, but they make replacements that are (allegedly) plug n play.
*At this time, I am also making Bittman's Pork Pernil out of a pork shoulder in the oven. If you put your cooked-down, strained raspberry stuff (raspberry juice and pulp, no seeds, a small amount of sugar to make it bleed better) in a small stainless steel bowl ON THE "off" burner where your oven vents, it will gently heat and evaporate the raspberry stuff until it's almost a gel. Obvi, monitor and roll around the bowl so that it doesn't boil or whatever. (I have very dry air in my house. Woodstove. This may facilitate evaporative efforts. Ymmv.) At that point, you can add a reasonable amount of raspberry gel stuff into the fudge and make it into balls. They're delightfully red-purple.
I am doing the same with the apricot but I had to reconstitute the dried apricots to make it puree first so it is taking a bit longer. Fortunately, with pork shoulder, you have a lot of oven time to get your evaporating done.
** I once upon a time heard a comedy skit about ... poverty and getting a cheap electric train set and the final option was a dead rat, which, yes, didn't look like an electric train set, but the way it worked was you turned off the lights and said "My What Fun I'm Having With My New Electric Train Set". Google is not helping me find a link to this thing. It did link me to a 1986 Dr. Demento Show clip on youtube, which, hearing it, it's like a fucking amazing time machine. In 1986, I regularly listened to the Dr. Demento Show on late night radio, an oasis of weirdness available in rednecklandia if I hooked a metal coathanger to the antenna of my radio and adjusted it EXACTLY RIGHT. But still not finding the New Electric Train Set bit, so if you do know where that's from, help a brutha out, willya?
If you are just now joining this adventure, note that spite chocolates are for my mother who invited me to visit over Thanksgiving weekend and then abandoned me while her husband directed / instructed / mansplained candy to me for two hours because ... she thought this was a thing I might enjoy? I have no idea. Anyway, I am a bit pissy about the whole thing so I am ... spitefully making better chocolates to send back to her.
Instead of being An Adult (tm) and communicating my feelings using words, I am making some spite chocolates to express how much fun I had being ditched to endure mansplained candymaking incompetence disguised as learning at the feet of the MASTER with her husband over the holiday weekend. (In case you were wondering, my mom does not read this. Also, her husband is, overall, a good guy if a bit mansplain-y.)
For what it's worth, the spite chocolates will be as delightful as I can make them, with home-made fillings of my own recipes and construction, said recipes tailored to the recipient's known tastes. There will be nine chocolates, each one different, each one lovely, because that's a way bigger fuck you than doing twenty four chocolates all the same.
If you do not understand how nine different chocolates is an order-of-magnitude-bigger fuck you than twenty-four chocolates all the same, it's OK. (I would have done ten for an ACTUAL order of magnitude, but that wouldn't box as well as a 3x3 square.) The reason nine different ones is a way bigger amount of spite is because it's not the SHEER NUMBER of chocolates that illustrates the spite, it's the amount of hassle the maker endured to produce them. Hell, if you are unsure how handcrafted, fairly gourmet chocolates are supposed to be spiteful at all, that's also OK. It is probably more healthy to belong to the group of people who USES WORDS and TALKS ABOUT FEELINGS and shit, but basically it's a physical demonstration of I am better at this than your husband and I learned absolutely nothing from him and you wasted, like, two hours of my time, communicated by nine chocolates that, honestly, themselves, will taste delicious and bear no-one any ill will. They'll also be attractively packaged and thoughtfully decorated to indicate their contents. (There is no spite if the spite gift is not executed to the very best of your ability. You can't half-ass the spite.)
Anyway, there will be nine chocolates.
Three ganache: plain, espresso, chili pepper
Three not-fondant kind of fudge-y fillings: plain with toffee bits, black raspberry, apricot
Three "other" fillings: caramel, coconut, peanut butter
I had chili pepper & dark chocolate bar from Mexico, Lala brought it back with her as a gift for me. It was... a little odd, but grew on me pretty quickly. Don't knock it until you've tried it.
The ganaches are kind of batch-able. I make good ganache and it's easy to divide into portions before stirring in flavoring. The coffee flavor is from my friend Trys's Nespresso machine, they keep sending her espresso samples that she doesn't drink. Imma make the chili infusion myself but I haven't done that yet. The espresso is sitting in a tiny jar in my fridge until I'm ready.
The non-fondant will, I think, be vanilla fudge. I like the texture of fudge. I know how to make fudge. (This is indeed the way I went. The recipe I used was here except I halved it and, for the raspberry & apricot, I had to add a small amount of cornstarch at the end to firm the resulting product enough to form it.) I think I can form fudge into dippable balls. (Yes! 100%. Works great!) Also, I think it'll work nicely to carry the fruit flavors and the small chunks of toffee. (It does. Where am I getting the fruit flavors? From fruit*. Where did I get toffee? Some of the peanut brittle liquid before I added the peanut part. (Peanut brittle is one of my holiday items that I make every year, anyway. I'm reliably good at it and it is literally no trouble to pour off a couple of tablespoons of the liquid before adding the peanuts. Imma crush it up and mix it with the vanilla non-fondant stuff. It'll be fine. Edit: It is not fine. It is outstanding. Were I doing this again, I'd make the fudge base without vanilla but it's seriously legit and fine with the vanilla. WAY BETTER THAN OVERCOOKED FUCKING FONDANT. Pro tip: You can "break" fudge and make it into balls, whereupon it is slightly giving and can be wrapped around things like, say, nut or toffee shards, but still will DEFINITELY firm up again enough to dip in chocolate.)
Caramel, I made from scratch because of course I did. It's dead simple and delightfully good. I gave the remainder of the caramel away to Lala because she likes it.
Coconut is super easy -- Baker's Secret and a can of coconut milk boiled down to... ridiculously thick plus some fondant sugar. Start with the coconut, add boiled-down-coconut-milk + sugar until the stuff holds together. I like MOAR COCONUT and no... powdered sugar in my coconut-filled dipped chocolates. I wouldn't try to keep the coconut unfridged for any length of time but fuck it's good. (A short note on storage and shelf-life will be included in the packaging. When you make mayfly chocolates, it's a good idea to inform people of that fact.)
I also made the peanut fillings using some of the hand-roasted fresh peanuts that I roasted in process of making the holiday peanut brittle. When you're already roasting peanuts, it's not a big deal to do some more for your spite chocolate project. Ground 'em up in the coffee grinder (not ever used for coffee) and added a little salt, oil, sugar, and a touch of molasses.
Like, this is a lot of spite. I should probably just try using words. Perhaps next time.
I've been telling people about my spite chocolate project, to variously amused and confused reactions. "That's a lot of work for spite." (Go big or go home.) "I don't see how this is communicating your feelings to your mother." (Good thing you're not her.) "What will you do if she doesn't understand that they're for spite?" (Nothing. Also odds of this happening are like, less than 20%. And also, I am HAVING FUN with my New Electric Train Set**. )
But, happily, catching up with my cousin Heather on the phone today, I told her of the Thanksgiving Visit and she was ... "Ouch. So what are you going to do, send her chocolates back? If so, I volunteer for quality control and/or leftovers." When I told her I was making nine different flavors, Heather said, "Oh hell, that's way worse than sending her like twenty of the same kind. You must be pretty pissed. Also, I will get some, right? Do I need to insult your chocolates? I could do that if it'd get me some." Lol. I assured her that it was not necessary to insult me to get chocolates.
Heather gets me.
Anyway, loads of progress being made on the whole spite chocolates front. I should be able to ship them out shortly.
Also, for anyone who was on tenterhooks about the plow truck situation, I borrowed Trysta's plow controller (exact same make and model as my own) and my plow stuff works great with her controller, so I bought a new (compatible) controller which should be here early in the coming week. They've discontinued the exact make and model of controller that I have, but they make replacements that are (allegedly) plug n play.
*At this time, I am also making Bittman's Pork Pernil out of a pork shoulder in the oven. If you put your cooked-down, strained raspberry stuff (raspberry juice and pulp, no seeds, a small amount of sugar to make it bleed better) in a small stainless steel bowl ON THE "off" burner where your oven vents, it will gently heat and evaporate the raspberry stuff until it's almost a gel. Obvi, monitor and roll around the bowl so that it doesn't boil or whatever. (I have very dry air in my house. Woodstove. This may facilitate evaporative efforts. Ymmv.) At that point, you can add a reasonable amount of raspberry gel stuff into the fudge and make it into balls. They're delightfully red-purple.
I am doing the same with the apricot but I had to reconstitute the dried apricots to make it puree first so it is taking a bit longer. Fortunately, with pork shoulder, you have a lot of oven time to get your evaporating done.
** I once upon a time heard a comedy skit about ... poverty and getting a cheap electric train set and the final option was a dead rat, which, yes, didn't look like an electric train set, but the way it worked was you turned off the lights and said "My What Fun I'm Having With My New Electric Train Set". Google is not helping me find a link to this thing. It did link me to a 1986 Dr. Demento Show clip on youtube, which, hearing it, it's like a fucking amazing time machine. In 1986, I regularly listened to the Dr. Demento Show on late night radio, an oasis of weirdness available in rednecklandia if I hooked a metal coathanger to the antenna of my radio and adjusted it EXACTLY RIGHT. But still not finding the New Electric Train Set bit, so if you do know where that's from, help a brutha out, willya?
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Date: 2022-12-08 11:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-12-10 03:58 am (UTC)lololol