(no subject)

[which_chick]

 So we had a clinic with Dressage Lady Barb.  Truck ran well, horse was fine, etc.  We got some things to work on, which went over with me as well as they always do.  (I whine, but I will work on them.)  But then there was the Clinic Debriefing with my ordinary instructor.  *sigh*

Clinic debriefing sucks because, well…

Look.  I have the patience and encouragement skills of a heavily medicated preschool teacher when it comes to teaching stuff to young horses.  My internal (and external) dialogue goes something like this…    C’mon, there, Bubbins, you’ll get it.  Try again, son.  Close, buddy, you almost got this.  Try again, you’re soooo close…. YAY!  You Did IT!!!   WHAT A CLEVER BOY YOU ARE!!!  YOU ARE SO SMART!  

And this is as it should be. My young horses like me and come up to me and follow me around in the field and stuff.  They learn quickly.  They try hard.  They do honest work.  They are Good Ponies.

The problem, according to my instructor, is that my own personal internal dialog for me learning things is more along the lines of “WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK YOU RIDE LIKE A GODDAMN COATHANGER.  STILL.  AFTER YEARS AND THOUSANDS IN LESSONS.  IDIOTS LIKE YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING AROUND HORSES AND ALSO, WHY HAVEN’T YOU LEARNED *SKILL* YET?”  *ahem* 

Well, okay.  So I resemble that remark.  In my defense…

1.  I am a hell of a lot smarter than a horse.  I should learn faster than a horse.

2.  Horses, if you push them too hard or too fast or beyond their abilities, will actually hurt you.  I am not going to hurt me for an internal monologue that mostly consists of “WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!  I CAN’T EVEN… ARE YOU REALLY THIS GODDAMN STUPID?!?”

3.  At no time am I unfair or unkind to my horse.  After all, it isn’t his fault his rider is a fucking idiot.  And, truth be told, I genuinely like him despite his dorky ineptitude.

Look.  It’s like this.  I go to clinic.  Clinic is expensive for me.  It’s actually a very reasonable price, but FOR ME and FOR MY BUDGET, it is expensive.

At clinic, I listen to and follow the clinician’s instructions.  I try not to cry in the ring.  (My god, I am THAT middle-aged lady rider.  The fact that I know this does not help.)  I try not to take things personally, but yeah… like that’s gonna happen. I try to do what the clinician tells me to do even when it is frustrating or I do not understand it.

After clinic, I take my homework home and I fucking well work on it to the best of my ability and understanding.  Sometimes my ability and understanding is insufficient to the task but I do the best that I can in spite of my insufficiency.  Sometimes, what I wind up doing is pretty much Cargo Cult Dressage – I ape the trappings as I understand them and just have to hope against hope that the plane arrives anyway.  And then it turns out that I’ve built a runway out of pineapples and coconuts… 

When the clinician comes back, EVERY TIME SO FAR (and this is like time 6, she notices out-loud the work I have done and makes a point of commenting on our (horse and me) progress.  (And invariably clinician also tells me that I do not seem to appreciate the progress I’ve made and that she feels I do not give myself or my horse sufficient credit for our efforts.)

*sigh*

Clinic debrief is frustrating as hell for me.  I would rather it didn’t happen.  I am not ever going to be able to convincingly fake enthusiasm and good cheer about my depressingly infinitesimal dressage progress.  (Horse is 7.  He kinda-sorta has a rhythmic trot and some contact in trot.  There is no contact in walk because RIDER SUCKS LIKE AN ELECTROLUX.  Homework:  Please to be putting tape on your reins like you’re seven and try to hold them a consistent length.  I would like to see consistent contact at the walk.)  I will listen to clinician.  I will do what clinician tells me, even if I don’t understand it.  I will show improvement every fucking time I ride for the woman.  But I am not particularly able to pretend to be happy about it.

Oh yay, we have some semblance of rhythm in our trot.  SUCH PROGRESS!!!  HE IS DOING GREAT!!  I AM AN AWESOME TRAINER.  WE WILL BE AT THE OLYMPICS NEXT TIME!!  <– seriously I’m supposed to be thinking like this?  Come on, I’m not a goddamn idiot.  The horse can maybe trot after three fucking years under saddle.  This is not an amazing and awesome accomplishment.  This is ABOUT FUCKING TIME.  Potential lesson pony Oasis trots after TWO MONTHS of competent under saddle work.  If Bird had a halfway competent rider, he would have been doing this level of work for the last two and a half years.