(no subject)

[which_chick]

With many, many apologies and a plea for forgiveness before I start...

In mostly iambic pentameter, with rhymed couplets --with the boring speeches removed, AND without stealing too many actual lines from the bard...

I give you...

A Midsummer Night's Dream (Gundam Wing Version)

Dramatis Personae:
Relena: Princess of Sanc.
Dorothy: Princess of Uhm. Romefeller. Or something.
Pargan: Master of the Revels to Relena.
Zechs: King of the fairies.
Treize: Queen of the fairies.
Noin: A fairy working oh-so-loyally for Zechs.
Heero: in love with Duo.
Quatre: Also in love with Duo.
Doctor O: A noble living in Sanc.
Duo: Son of Doctor O.
Trowa: In love with Quatre.
Wufei, Catherine, Hilde, Sally Po, Dr. J, Rashid -- rude mechanicals.
OZ underlings: Fairies.

Act 1, Scene 1 -- The palace of Relena.

Relena: My Dorothy, so soon will we be wed,
Four days from now, we two will share a bed.

Dorothy: Four days, right now, is longer than it seems,
with company at night of only dreams.

Relena: In time, my love. Now, Pargan, go on out
and raise the countryside in revels, shout
for joy and merriment is now my due.
I'm thrilled and so my subjects must be too.

(exit Pargan)

Dorothy, I woo'd with pacifism
but my heart's delight is masochism
and I will wed thee oh so happily.
Only by being bound can I be free.

(Oooh! pushy bottom -- oh, wait, that's a different character.)

(enter Dr. O, Duo, Quatre, Heero)

Dr. O: Happy be Relena, our renowned queen!

Relena: Thanks, Dr. O, what brings you to this scene?

Dr. O: I have a problem only you can solve.
Duo, my son, is thwarting my resolve
to marry him to noble Quatre there.
He claims his love is precious, sweet, and rare,
A wine reserved for only Heero's lips.
And I believe that Heero's sneaking sips!

Relena: What say you, Duo? Be advised, young man
You must obey your father, if you can.

Duo: My Heero is the true love of my life
and I'll be damned before I'm Quatre's wife!

Relena: There's nothing wrong with Quatre, my dear boy.
A fine young man, he'll fill your heart with joy.

Duo: My ass, more like! I know the one I want
and that is Heero, not the Arab cunt.

Relena: Shut up, young man! It's your choice, now decide --
a monk, a corpse, or Quatre's blushing bride!

Duo: I'll not have Quatre grace my marriage bed,
It will be Heero, no-one else instead.

Relena: Four days I'll give you to consider this.
On that night, I will wed this lovely miss,
she'll bend me o'er her knee and make me red
and you will be a monk, a wife, or dead.

Quatre: Relent, Duo, and Heero, say you'll yield
your claim on him and let me have the field.
Though it's now plowed, I'm sure no seed's been sown
And I will still have Duo for my own.

Heero: His father loves you Quatre, but not him.

O: Oh hell and thunder, Heero, you are dim!
Of Quatre I approve, and it's my right
to have him joined with Duo in my sight.

Heero: But O, I'm ranked as equally as he,
In money, land, and in nobility.
For your son Duo, there would be no loss,
since both of us are gold and neither dross.
Besides all that, I hold sweet Duo's love
which puts his claim below, and mine above.
And even more I'll lay upon his head!
Poor Trowa yearns for Quatre in his bed,
He wooed poor Trowa, won his heart, and left
the sobbing boy despoiled and bereft.

Relena: I'd heard of that, but it had slipped my mind.
The wedding is distracting me, I find.
Now, O, and Quatre, come with me, you two,
let's leave these lovers on the stage to woo.

(exit Relena, O, Quatre.)

Heero: My love, my Duo, we must wed, and fast.
We've got to do it ere four days have passed,
or monk, or corpse, or Quatre's bride you'll be.

Duo: Those choices suck, I like not one of three!
But what to do? Or do you have a plan?

Heero: Tomorrow night, love, meet me if you can,
the woods outside the town is where I'll wait.

Duo: I'll meet you, Heero, save me from this fate!

Heero: I will, my love. Now shush. Look, Trowa's here.

(enter Trowa)

Duo: Fair Trowa, why have you come here tonight?

Trowa: It's fair I am? Then violet eyes can't see!
My Quatre thinks you're far more fair than me.
He loves your face, your shapely ass, your mane
and looks at me with ill-concealed disdain.
I wish I knew how you caught Quatre's heart
for knowing that, I'd duplicate the art.

Duo: No art, I swear, was used to catch that one.
If caught he is, it's not what I have done.
He's more my father's choice, that man, than mine.

Trowa: You used no art to make sweet Quatre thine?

Duo: I frowned, I sulked, made rude remarks, and still...

Trowa: I wish my charms, for him, held half the thrill.

Duo: Dear Trowa, Quatre's heart will soon be free.
A night from now, Heero and I will flee
this hostile ground that thwarts our own desires.
And with me gone, you'll see how fast he tires
of holding on to someone who has fled
when you are warm and waiting in his bed.

Heero: As Duo said, sweet Trowa, that's our plot,
to flee tomorrow night, not getting caught
until we're wed, when it will be too late
for anyone to try to change our fate.

Duo: Until tomorrow, love, we have to part.

(exit Duo)

Heero: Tomorrow night, I swear! And Trowa, art
in love is not the whole thing, but a mite --
it's very hard to love what's not in sight.

(exit Heero)

Trowa: The two of them are happy as can be
while I'm stuck here in hopeless misery.
Most people think Duo and I both fair.
For Quatre, though, Duo's beyond compare.
He used to look at me with glowing eyes
and say I'd won his love, it was my prize.
He swore to me his heart, his soul, his mind --
but now he's proven that poor Cupid's blind
and fickle too, though that should be no shock
since it's a fact that man thinks with his cock.
I'll tell him of the lovers' secret plan
and follow him to them, as best I can.
A betrayal isn't a price too high
if I get to see him as he goes by.

Act 1, Scene II. Sally Po's house.

(enter Wufei, Catherine, Hilde, Sally Po, Rashid, and Dr. J)

Sally: Is everybody here that wants to be?

Wufei: No matter that, check in the script and see
how many parts are in this travesty

Sally: I have it here, the play to celebrate
the joining of Relena and her mate.

Wufei: This play we're doing, what is it about?
Tell us that first, before you hand parts out.

Sally: Our play recounts a tragedy of heart,
of Pyramus and Thisby torn apart.

Wufei: Sounds good to me, and now let's cast the play.

Sally: When you are called, please answer. Chang WuFei.

Wufei: That's me, and I am anxious for my part.

Sally: You, Wufei, play the part of Pyramus.

Wufei: What part is that? Is he an ornery cuss?

Sally: Nay, he's a lover, not a fighting knight

Wufei: A fighting part, for me, is far more right.
The cut, the thrust, the agile sweep of swords
is more exciting than a lover's words.
But if I have to, I will do my best
to play the lover and now cast the rest.

Sally: From the Magunacs, I have called Rashid

Rashid: Yes, Sally Po, and I paid your call heed.

Sally: I think, Rashid, sweet Thisby suits you best

Rashid: Confectionary Thisby -- do you jest?

Sally: Not sweet from sugar, Rashid, it's a girl

Rashid: A woman's part? Oh, please, don't make me hurl.
I'll not play a simpering maiden fair
Besides, it won't go with my facial hair.

Sally: Tough shit. If you won't shave, you'll wear a mask
and play the part of Thisby, as I ask.

Wufei: Can I play Thisby? Better me than him --
Rashid's too tall, and I am short and slim.

Sally: The parts are cast. WuFei is Pyramus
Rashid is Thisby, I won't have this fuss.

Wufei: All right, all right, we'll do it as you say.

Rashid: It's not like this is real, it's just a play.

Sally: Now, Hilde, you are Thisby's mom, and J
the part of Pyramus's father play.
I Thisby's mother will enact and last
is Catherine, the lion, that's our cast.

Catherine: You've got the lion's part already writ?
Then hand it here, that I may study it.

Sally: It's only roaring, you've no speaking bits
'cause memorizing always gives you fits.

Wufei: Why can't I play the lion, that's a part
that needs a *man* with a courageous heart.
Onnas cannot roar half so well as I
to frighten all and make Relena cry.

Sally: It's for a wedding feast, you half-pint twit
We're entertainment, that's the point of it.
We're not to make folks frightened or in tears

Wufei: To entertain is easy, calm your fears
I'll roar so gently they will think I'm mild
instead of something dangerous and wild.

Sally: Your part is Pyramus, and that's the way
it's gonna be, so settle, Chang Wufei.
Now, here's the parts for all of you to ken
We'll meet tomorrow night in wooded glen
in privacy we will rehearse our play,
the entertainment for the wedding day.

(exit all)

Act 2, Scene 1 -- the woods ouside the palace

(Enter, from opposite sides, Noin and a generic Ozzie soldier as a fairy sprite)

Noin: What ho, it seems I've met a fairy sprite!
Why, little Ozzie, are you out tonight?

Ozzie: I've orders from the fairy queen I serve --
a mission taking skill, bravery, and nerve.
I'm gilder of the forest, field, and land.
I lay the morning's silver on by hand.
And now, since I've got lots of things to do
My queen comes here, I must bid you adieu.

Noin: The king doth keep his revels here tonight,
Take care that Treize comes not within his sight
For Zechs Merquise is in a surly mood
Given Treize's behavior, which was rude.
Your queen, your Treize, took up with a new toy
to serve him every way, a lovely boy.
He has dark hair, dark eyes, and golden skin.
Lord Zechs was patient, but it has worn thin.
Infatuated Treize has not come back.
And Zechs no longer cares to cut him slack.
So Zechs and Treize are at each other's throats
where once they screwed like randy billygoats.

Ozzie: Ah, now it comes, the dropping of the coin!
I thought I knew you, and I do. You're NOIN!
You serve the Merquise, bound to him by lust,
but he'll not swive you, just gives you his trust.

Noin: You have it right, you little Ozzie fey!
Since I've not Zechs, it's with the world I play.
In my frustration, I find no release
If Zechs would have me, all these pranks would cease.
But quiet, Ozzie, is that not Merquise?

Ozzie: Yes, he comes hither, and -oh shit- that's Treize!

(enter Treize and Zechs, from opposite sides, with staff)

Zechs: Ill met by moonlight, Kushrenada, love

Treize: Your jealousy outshines the moon above.
If this is how you treat me, I'll not stay.
My fairies and myself shall go away.

Zechs: My love, do not depart this place just yet.
I am your lord, that's something you forget
when someone else's features catch your eye

Treize: These words from YOU, dear Zechs!? I've seen you lie
with nameless faces each and every night
since the day we wed. This is not a plight
I've made, my lord, so go back to your bed.
Find comfort in another's arms instead!

Zechs: Don't throw it back at me, my loving Treize!
I've seen how WuFei tries his best to please.
I'm not the only one who's gone astray.
The hand is dealt, the chips fall where they may.

Treize: Our jealousy has torn the world apart,
unravelled things together from the start.
There is a problem in the farmer's field
No matter what he sows, there is no yeild.
And out of step, the march of seasons fails
Warm sunshine mixed with winter's icy hails
confuses flowers that don't know to bloom
No wonder humans fear impending doom.
Our fighting causes the whole world to slip
a cog, a gear, and soon the thing will strip.

Zechs: Then why continue to oppose me, Treize?
A simple thing is all that will appease.
Give up the golden, dark-haired boy, call truce.

Treize: You ask too much, I cannot turn him loose.
He has no family, he has no place,
and furthermore, he'd think it a disgrace.

Zechs: If you won't turn him over, there's no peace.
Until I have that boy, this fight won't cease.

Treize: Fine, be that way. It's only getting worse.
If I stay longer here, I'll start to curse.

(exit Treize and crew)

Zechs: He does not know he cannot leave just yet
What I've come for, I'm determined to get.
It's not the golden boy that I desire
but teaching Treize that he shan't raise my ire.
Now, Noin, come to me, I've a task for you.

Noin: You want a flower, one of purple hue?

Zechs: Now how'd you guess? How well you know my mind!

Noin: It, like everything else, is well-designed.

Zechs: Please, Noin, will you quit staring at my ass?
Go searching for that flower in the grass.
Bewitched by Cupid's bolt falling on it,
that plant has powers that will make Treize spit.
The juice of it, laid on a sleeper's lid
will make that sleeper, on awak'ning, bid
true love to the first living thing he sees --
And with this flower, I will punish Treize.

Noin: I'll get right on it, quick as I can be!

(exit Noin)

Zechs: The flower's juice, it's power, we will see
when Kushrenada wakes and finds his soul
belongs to someone NOT a pretty hole.
What fun twill be to see him face his need,
when lovely boys aren't where he spills his seed.
And yet, before I free him from that spell,
I'll give him something better, that will... well...
Let's say it will encourage him to haste
as he returns to me to beg a taste.
Just thinking of the thirst he'll have to slake
Makes my knees weak and -- Oh, for heaven's sake
my reverie by mortals is disturbed!
but I'm invisible and now preturbed
so I'll eavesdrop to see what I can hear

(enter Quatre, followed by Trowa)

Quatre: What's that? Who's there? Did someone tail me here?
Good heavens, Trowa, get you gone from me!
You said that Duo and his love would flee.
You swore they'd be here in this wood, the pair,
so where'd they go, did they turn to thin air?
I'm tricked, it seems, by you the lovelorn lass
And if you leave me not, I'll kick your ass.

Trowa: It's not a trick, dear Quatre, this I swear
Though I admit, I'd tail you anywhere.

Quatre: Do I encourage you or say you're sweet?
Do I give cause for you to chase my meat?
I've never said I loved your sorry bod,
not even when I came and shot my wad.
So why do you come chasing after me,
demanding I be something I can't be?

Trowa: I love you and your plain and honest ways
You speak the truth, you hold me with your gaze.
This is enough for me to follow you
Though most men use a gift or rose to woo.

Quatre: No, Trowa, push no further with your cause.
Your ill-begotten suit is breaking laws.
In Sanc, a stalker's neck will feel the axe
if he, too often, follows someone's tracks.

Trowa: You think you spurn me but you draw me near
your every word serves only to endear.

Quatre: If you won't listen to my pleas, then stay.
If you wait here, then I can run away.
Don't follow me unless you want to die
even for mischief, that's a price that's high.

Trowa: You did ME mischief when you stole my heart
Since it's with you, now we can't be apart.

(exit Quatre)

Trowa: I'll follow you, though you have told me 'don't'
and you will fall for me, see if you won't!

(exit Trowa)

Zechs: Oh-ho, how wonderful, I've got a scheme
to pay these mortals back for my lost dream.
Poor Trowa will be fleeing Quatre's lust
and Quatre will run after for he must!

(enter Noin)

Zechs: Ah, Noin, I see that to me you've returned

Noin: Don't know why I come back, to be re-spurned
But here I am, with your damn plant in fist.

Zechs: Don't sulk, Noin, and attend to what you've missed.
While you were searching for that lovely bud,
mortals disturbed the pounding of my pud
and punished, they shall be for that transgress!
While I search for my Treize's eyes to dress
with this liquor, I'd have you do the same
to a mortal blond. I forget his name
but you will see him followed by a lad
who's tall and thin, with bangs, and looks quite sad.
Drip the liquid in the eyes of the blond
so that of the thin one he'll become fond --
more fond, I think, than the thin one sees fit
that chase will turn 'round, and we can watch it.
When that you've accomplished, wait for me here

Noin: I'll come straight back, my lord, never you fear.

(exit everyone)

Act 2 scene ii. Another part of the wood.

(Enter Treize, and Oz underlings attending.)

Treize: My Ozzie corps, the midnight hour's nigh
The time has come for me to get shut-eye.
So sing me fast asleep, my fairy band
and then keep watch till dawn is close at hand.

Ozzies sing: Lullaby and good night
Hope the bedbugs don't bite
Lullaby and sleep tight
Wake when morning is bright
Go to sleep, my dear Treize
Time for slumber, you sleaze.

An Ozzie: He's sleeping now, guys, can't you hear him snore?
Let's hit the bars, we need not tarry more.

(Exit the fairies. Treize remains, sleeping)

(Enter Zechs.)

I knew a young man named Treize
Who banged whomever he'd please
The juice of this plant
Will make him recant
by putting him under a geas.

(Zechs applies flower juice to Treize)

I've dripped the juice upon Treize
And he'll be brought to his knees
When he wakes up
He'll want to schtup
The first thing that he sees.

(Exit Zechs.)

(Enter Heero and Duo)

Heero: Oh, Duo, I'm afraid we're lost tonight
Let's give it up and try by morning's light.

Duo: Good point, now find yourself somewhere to sleep
Hey! Not with me, boy, take a flying leap.

Heero: My love, your heart and mine have now entwined
And sleeping with you's what I had in mind.
Just sleeping, love, and nothing more than that,

Duo: 'And nothing more, canary' said the cat.
Lie further off, dear Heero, not so near
I'll not give up my virginity here.

Heero: Sweet Duo, look, we've already run off
And NOW you want to wait to plight a troth?
It's Sanc, Duo, we don't live in Vermont
It's just a piece of paper that you want.

Duo: Relena, Dorothy is soon to wed
And father'd have me warming Quatre's bed
It's not illegal if we're living here
And you won't have me till we're wed, my dear.

Heero: Your virtuous virginity I swear
is more attractive to me than your hair.
The fruit withheld is that I most desire
But I respect you and therefore retire
I'll sleep in earshot, if you find that right
And I'll not lay a hand on you all night.

(They sleep. Enter Noin.)

Noin: I've searched the forest till my legs are spent
and can't find where the mortal couple went.
I've got nowhere to use this flower's spell
An evening wasted, Zechs will give me -- Well!
What have we here! A pair, a brace, a clutch!
They don't resemble the description much
But these are those he meant for me to hex
Inaccurate descriptions, that's my Zechs!
Dribble, dribble, flower juice.
Not so purple, more like puce.
Sink into this young man's eyes!
When he wakes, whate'er he spies
Will, by magic, own his heart
That's how I foil Cupid's art!
He slumbers still and my task is now done
So back to the grove, to Merquise, I'll run.

(Exit Noin. Enter Quatre and Trowa -- running.)

Trowa: Oh, Quatre, please don't run away from me!

Quatre: Away from you is where I want to be.

Trowa: You'd desert me and leave me in this wood?

Quatre: Hell, I'd desert you any way I could!

(Exit Quatre)

Trowa: Too fast he flees me, I am out of breath.
to chase him now would surely cause my death.
I bet that Duo's happy as can be
since he conspired with his love to flee
Comparing me to Duo useless is
because my future is darker than his.
But who's this, lying silent on the ground?
It's Heero, still as death, that I have found.
Good Heero, are you dead or just asleep?
Answer me, Heero, or I'll start to weep.

(Heero wakes up)

Heero: Oh, Trowa, why do you look so afraid?
Where's Quatre? I will kill him with my blade,
if he's the reason you're in such a state.
Your beauty isn't made for Quatre's hate.
Awakened by your gentle, cultured voice,
I've just discovered I made the wrong choice.
No Duo ever could compare to you
and you're the one I really want to screw.

Trowa: Good heavens, Heero, look at what you say
when you and Duo have just run away.
It's Duo that you love beyond good sense
as Quatre does, and there could be offense
But Duo's faithful, loving only you
Isn't that sufficient, a love that's true?

Heero: To think that for me Duo will suffice
when I've discovered you are twice as nice
is saying that I can't admit I'm wrong.
I love you now, at least I will 'fore long!

Trowa: No, don't come nearer, if you do but jest
I'm sorry now I e'er disturbed your rest!

(Trowa exits in a hurry)

Heero: Unseen by Trowa, Duo's still asleep
And held by Morpheus's arms, he'll keep.
At least this way I don't have to explain
what circumstance engendered my disdain.
I think what did it was an overdose.
Afar, I loved him, then I got too close.
Dessert wine, Duo's love was best in sips
and when I swilled it, bile rose to lips.
But Trowa can be drunk without that fear
He's a better vintage than the one here.

(Exit Heero in the direction Trowa left)

Duo: (awakes) Oh! Heero, please come hold me for a bit!
I've had a nightmare and still shake from it.
I'm frightened, Heero, won't you answer me?
You said 'in earshot', how far can that be?
I dreamed you left me, all alone, for spite.
And now I think my dream was prob'ly right.
Oh, Heero, wherever could you have gone?
It matters not, I will find you anon!

(Exit Duo)

Act 3, scene 1. The wood, near Treize lying asleep

(Enter Sally Po, Rashid, Catherine, Dr. J, Hilde... and Wufei, a bit later)

Wufei: I'm here, I'm here, our company's complete!

Sally: I think that you're the last, now take a seat
We've not much time to get this play rehearsed
So let's begin. Start with the opening, first.

Wufei: But Sally Po, I read my part last night
It's got me doing things that just aren't right.
This play says Pyramus will suicide
because he can't have Thisby for his bride.
Now, suicide is still a mortal sin
and folks will think that I've done myself in!

Catherine: He's got a point, does Wufei, I agree.

Hilde: We'll just omit the suicide, then, see?

Wufei: We can't do that, the plot is hinged on it
Without the suicide, the end won't fit.
No, what we'll do is write an opening part
Explaining all of this is merely art
The people watching then will understand
That I don't die by Pyramus's hand.

Sally Po: Oh, very well, if you're sure there's a need
we'll have an opening piece the play precede.

Catherine: And what about the fearsome lion's part?
I think the audience might jump or start!

Hilde: If Catherine's to play it, I'm afraid.

WuFei: The lion's part less frightening must be made!

Catherine: Another opening piece, to warn them, pray!

Hilde: Our prologues would be longer than the play.

Wufei: No, what we'll do is this. Catherine state
that you are not a lion, then relate
how you're a girl like others and but seem
a lion in this weak and idle theme.

Sally Po: If your revisions of the play are done,
I have a couple problems. First the one
of having moonlight when the lovers twine.
They meet by moonlight, it's a famous line.

Catherine: I wonder if the moon will shine that night?

Wufei: An almanac would tell us if it might.
A calendar, as well, could tell us that.

Sally Po: The almanac's consulted, it's a fact.

WuFei: The window in the chamber, open'd wide
will let the moonlight shine on us inside.

Sally Po: We could do that, or let an actor stand
with bush and lantern held up in his hand.
Moonshine would then be an actor's station --
Anthropomorphic representation!
With that solved, there's a second thing we lack:
We need to locate a wall with a crack.
The story says Pyramus and Thisby
whispered through a wall, so a wall must be!

Catherine: A wall would be far too heavy for sure.

Wufei: Why don't we try what you thought of before?
That anthropo-thingie, what you just said
A man can play the wall, do that instead.
He can hold his fingers to make the chink

Sally Po: Yes, that'll work, it'll do well, I think.
Now that it's settled, we need to rehearse
Pyramus, start, and remember, it's VERSE!

(Enter Noin, behind)

Noin: This grove's infested by the lower class
and so close to Treize, who would deem them crass!
Apparently they're rehearsing a play
I'll watch and take part, if I find a way.

Sally Po: Speak, Pyramus, to Thisby standing here.
Oh, Thisby, would you stand a bit more near?

Rashid: If I stand closer, folks will think I'm gay.

Sally Po: Not you, asshole, you're Thisby in this play.

Wufei: My dearest Thisby, dear
An angel you appear
But hark, what's that so near?
Wait, Thisby, wait right here

(Wufei exits)

Noin: I thought my lines were bad but those are worse
and I've just found a victim for a curse.

(Exit Noin)

Rashid: Am I supposed to say these lines to air?
I thought, to Pyramus, but he's not there...

Sally Po: You speak, for Pyramus will soon return
He went to see the noise and now you yearn.

Rashid: Oh Pyramus my dear
If you were only near
I'd whisper in your ear
how manly you appear
our time is cut short here
I'll meet you, never fear
At the tomb, I'll appear

Sally Po: Wait, wait, you just said all your lines at once!
You did't wait for cues at all, you dunce!
You cannot in absentia promise thus
You have to wait for your dear Pyramus!
And Pyramus, you need to come back out
your cue's "appear", remember it, you lout?

Rashid: I'd whisper in your ear
how manly you appear

(Re-enter Noin, and Wufei, with an ass's head.)

Wufei: I'm back to you my dear.
But dawn is coming near.

Sally Po: My God, a monster comes to frighten us!

(Exit Sally Po, Rashid, Dr. J, Catherine, Hilde, Dr. J)

Noin: Oh, goody, now they're on the run, they flee
And chasing them will my amusement be
I'll hound them through the creeks and through the fen
through boggy marsh and soggy hollow, then
like hunting snipe, I'll leave them where I may
and they won't find their way back until day.

(Exit Noin)

Wufei: Why have they run? I bet that they still lurk.
If this is just to fright me, it won't work!

(re-enter Catherine)

Catherine: Oh, Wufei, what has happened to your head?

Wufei: I think the problem lies with yours instead!

(exit Catherine, Re-enter Sally Po)

Sally Po: I always thought you were an ass, but this!?
It makes me wonder what else is amiss!

Wufei: Injustice that they make such fun of me,
And try to scare me with their knavery.
but I'll show them I, unafraid, remain
by sitting here and singing a refrain.

(singing)Bang, bang, Lulu
Bang her all day long
Who's gonna bang my Lulu
When I'm dead and gone?
Lulu has a boyfriend,
Her boyfriend has a truck
Lulu likes to shift the gears,
Her boyfriend likes to --

Treize: What angel wakes me from my flowery bed?

Wufei (still singing): Bang, bang, Lulu
Bang her all day long
Who's gonna bang my Lulu
When I'm dead and gone?
Rich girls use vaseline
Poor girls use lard
Lulu uses axle grease
and takes it twice as hard
(not singing anymore) Axle grease has a petroleum base
I've never used it since that is the case.
A condom can't withstand petrol-based lube
For the ingredients, I check the tube.

Treize: I know about safe sex, just sing some more.
Your voice is something I've grown to adore.
And now that I'm awake, I must advise
Your body causes part of mine to rise.

Wufei: You're very forward for a man just woke
and are you well aware of all you spoke?

Treize: I know your beauty brings me to my knees.
I'd service you, and by the way, I'm Treize.

Wufei: If you are Treize, then I'm an ass in truth.
My Treize was seme, even in his youth
And Treize would never, ever, act elsewise.
You're not the Treize I know, it's a disguise.

Treize: Think what you will, but know that I'm a sprite
a royal one, so stay with me tonight
My servants will attend your every need
if you will just perform a little deed
A favor small, and one you will enjoy
My darling, please, just let me be your toy.

Wufei: This offer is one that I can't refuse
Though the real Treize would never state such views.

Treize: Real Treize, Shmeal Treize, you're making such a fuss...
What is your name?

Wufei: Hell, call me Pyramus.

(Exit everyone)

Act 3, scene ii -- another part of the wood

Zechs: I wonder if Treize has awakened yet,
and if he has, then what it was he met?
I hope it was something dreadful he spied
the better to bring him back to my side.

(Enter Noin)
Ah, Noin returns to me, she must be done!
How goes the war, Noin, do anything fun?

Noin: Everything was fine, and we're in such luck --
you won't believe what Treize is gonna fuck!
Near where Treize slept, not all that far away
a cast of rednecks came to do a play.
I think it was for the wedding in Sanc.
They need more rehearsal, because it stank.
Anyway, I took the worst of that crowd,
the one playing Pyramus, and endowed
that idiot with the head of an ass
as he, off-stage, waited for his next pass.
When he re-entered, the others took fright.
A flock of mortals flew into the night.
Of course, I chased them through bramble and thorn
And at that speed, their clothes and skin got torn.
I left them, tired, sweaty, out of breath
But nothing serious that would cause death.
While I was chasing, that's when Treize awoke
And asked the ass Pyramus for a poke.

Zechs: Even better, Noin, than I could have hoped
And the lover's eyes, those I trust you've doped?

Noin: No problem there, I did it while he snored
with his lover nearby, so it's ensured.
His love will be the first thing that he spies
when he awakes and opens up his eyes.

(Enter Quatre and Duo)

Zechs: Look, here come the lovers we spoke about

Noin: Well, there's the one, but who's this other lout?

Quatre: I don't think I deserve your venomed hate
Please tell me what has put you in this state.

Duo: I think emotions are ruling your mind
Since you forced Heero to leave me behind.
Or, even worse, you killed him in the night.
maybe you were jealous, maybe for spite
I don't know your reasons and I don't care
but when I awoke, Heero was not there.
It's you who killed Heero, you I despise
And now I see the murder in your eyes!

Quatre: A killer I'm judged for the way I look?
Then, for killing me, you'll be off the hook.
Even though your words pierce straight through my heart
You are still fairer than a painter's art.

Duo: That does me no good if I don't have him.
Where is my Heero, my patience grows slim.

Quatre: If I had his corpse, it would feed my curs
It would not leave my hands to go into yours.

Duo: Give me my Heero, reveal where he lies
And, since you did it, tell me his demise!

Quatre: My dear Duo, in spite of what you've said,
I don't know how he died or if he's dead.

Duo: So, then, will you tell me that he's just fine?

Quatre: If I did that favor, what would be mine?

Duo: You'd never look on me again, I vow
And I can give you that, starting right now!

(Exit Duo)

Quatre: I can't talk sense to him now so I'll wait.
Duo won't listen if he's in that state.
Since I spent last night awake in the wood,
while he cools off, some sleep would do me good.

(Quatre goes to sleep.)

Zechs: Noin, what is this mess? The pooch has been screwed!
I gave you instructions and *this* ensued.
True love's been sundered, torn apart for kicks
And now that's something that we have to fix.
So get thee hence, find me the boy with bangs.
He's Trowa, on him the solution hangs.
Bring him back here, using your charm and guile
And then we'll see if they shall reconcile.

Noin: As ever, Zechs, your wish is my command
And I'll return, with Trowa, or be damn'd.

(Exit Noin)

Zechs: Drip, drip, flower in his eyes
when he wakes, what first he spies
will be taken for his love
sworn upon the skies above
if Noin follows my intent
this will fix the love that's rent

(Re-enter Noin)

Noin: Captain of our fairy band
I've got Trowa close at hand
And the youth mistook by me
hounds him with a lover's plea.
Stay to watch this, you'll agree
Zechs, what fools these mortals be!

Zechs: Right, then, let the noise they make
Cause the sleeper to awake

Noin: Then will two at once woo one --
And folks say that you're no fun!

(Enter Heero and Trowa)

Heero: If you think I'm lying, look in my eyes
The tears pooling there don't represent lies.

Trowa: If you think your tears will advance your case
cry them then, till they're running down your face.
The vows you've made are all equal in kind --
to me, to Duo. You must think I'm blind!
How can I believe anything you've said?
All you want's a warm body in your bed!

Heero: My love for Duo was the whim of youth
But my love for you is the honest truth.

Trowa: As excuses go, that one really bites.
Though 'whim of youth' has got you dead to rights.

Heero: For Duo, Quatre will make a good mate.
He loves you not, though forever you wait.

(Quatre wakes up and sets eyes on Trowa)

Quatre: Oh, Trowa, you are a radiant find,
With those long legs and that gymnast's behind!
Your eyes are emerald, jewels beyond compare
And further, I love how you've got your hair.
Your parted lips and your sexy young bod
Make me wonder if you're some kind of god.
I'll do anything, to embrace such bliss --
What would you have of me, for just one kiss?

Trowa: You bastards are both screwing with my head
When you should be wooing Duo instead.
It's sad to unite against one you spurn
Instead of for the one whose love you'd earn
If you went for it, Heero, he'd agree
And instead of two you could then be three.
Duo, I'm sure, would keep you entertained
and you'd not bother me with interest feigned.
Your cruelty and wicked taunting of me
is not fit matter for hilarity.

Heero: Quatre's the only one speaking in jest
He Duo loves, the one that I detest
Please, Quatre, leave the two of us alone!
The only claim on Duo is your own.

Quatre: 'Take the one you touched' is the rule that sways
For assorted chocolates and wedding days.
I've touched Trowa, he bears my fingerprints
And Duo's yours, though now he makes you wince.
If you picked him as a cherry liquor
Then found him maple creme, you must endure.
Look where he comes, it's your would-be spitback!

(Re-enter Duo)

Duo: Though I can't see because the night is black
I've found that what is taken from my sight
is paid back double to my ears at night.
It's how I found you, following your voice.
Why did you leave, Heero, was it by choice?

Heero: Why should I have stayed after my love fled?

Duo: Explain to me, Heero, what you just said!

Heero: I woke to Trowa's voice, sounding so sweet
and looking on him, my heart skipped a beat.
From that moment, I loved you not a whit
He left with my heart, and I followed it.

Duo: No, Heero, I think you're lying to me

Trowa: Duo is part of the conspiracy!
I bet those three preceded my advice,
Became a threesome, and when that lost spice
Then they, in boredom, turned to me for sport
I guess my torment is their last resort.
This cruelty suits Quatre and Heero too
But it's not what I thought Duo would do
Your unexpected cut wounds me the worst
Because of us all, you were my friend first.
We became friends because of hours spent
in cups, discussing the uke's lament.
We both loved equally difficult men,
Hoped they'd realize and wondered when
if ever our feelings would be returned
or if we'd suffer, neither loved nor spurned.
I can't believe you'd sacrifice that bond
I thought that of me you'd at least be fond.

Duo: It shocks me to hear that you feel this way
You said the words that I was gonna say

Trowa: You mean you didn't make Heero chase me?
You didn't make Quatre praise lavishly?
I heard Heero his love for you deny.
He'd never say that, not even to lie
unless you allowed it and said it right
so I say you are doing this for spite!
And although I am ill-favored by fate,
Pity I should get for this but not hate.

Duo: Look, Trowa, you're not making any sense

Trowa: Yes, you would say that in your own defense.
And when I turn my head away in shame
You'll nudge each other, enjoying the game.
I've had enough of this, it's causing pain

Heero: Wait, Trowa, wait, please just let me explain

Trowa: If this excuse is as bad as the last
It won't convince me, you'd better talk fast.

Heero: Trowa, I love you by all that is right

Quatre: And I love Trowa with all of my might.

Heero: That's easy to say, but where is your proof?
I'll speak with my sword, for there lies the truth.

Quatre: If that's how we'll settle it, I agree

Duo: Heero, what is this, and what about me?

Heero: Unhand me, Duo, let go of my arm!

Duo: But Heero, I love you, don't cause me harm!
What is this change? Love --

Heero: Release me, you shit!

Duo: Is this a joke?

Trowa: Yes, and you're in on it.

Heero: I swear, Quatre, I will meet you with blade

Quatre: More weight I'd put in a bond that you paid.
Since that one is holding tight like a leech,
I can't put my faith in your little speech.

Heero: What, I should hurt Duo, or strike him down?
Uncalled for that is, though he makes me frown.

Duo: Your sudden hatred is no less a blow.
What have I done to make you hate me so?
I am Duo still, as I was ere this
and you Heero, but something is amiss
I don't know what caused you me to despise
But I'd like an answer, in truth, not lies!

Heero: I gave you the truth, I said it before.
I love Trowa now, not you anymore.
There where I left you, asleep in the wood,
It was my hope to have left you for good.

Duo: Then Trowa was the one who stole your heart?
How did you do it, Trowa, by what art?
You came upon him while he was asleep
And somehow you sucked him in pretty deep.

Trowa: Duo, I don't like the way you imply
I went to my knees to catch Heero's eye.
I didn't do that, it's not how you say
I wouldn't sink to your level that way.

Duo: Sink to my level? Oh, now we're on height.
Having more of that doesn't make you right.
One thing I've found, regarding people tall
The bigger they are, the harder they fall!

Trowa: Shit, he's got the glint of madness in his eyes
Though you mock me, stopping him would be wise

(Heero and Quatre restrain Duo, who struggles)

Trowa: Duo, I don't know how this came about
I was your friend before this, have no doubt.
I did you no wrong 'till I Quatre told
of you and Heero, not for silver sold
but so that I could see him here and thence
something to me dearer than thirty pence.
Since everything's wrong, I think I'll just leave.

Duo: Well, get you gone, it's not like we will grieve.

Trowa: It's only that I leave my heart with you

Duo: With Heero?

Trowa: No, it's in Quatre's purview.

Heero: Go, Duo, leave, we do not want you here

Quatre: And if you're smart, you won't go Trowa near.

Heero: Now that I'm no longer affixed by leech
I'll take up my sword and I'll prove my speech
Come after me, Quatre, if you've the nerve
And beloved Trowa we'll fight to serve.

Quatre: After you? Oh, no, I don't think I'll wait

(Exit Heero and Quatre)