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Jan. 18th, 2008 01:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
which_chickGot my Rochester book today, I did. I've read most of it, once through, and now I am offering you a selection from same. Since I was reading for smut-based purposes, I skipped the political and dramatic satires and went for the low-hanging fruit which beckoned me like ripe plums warm from the sun. Those. Take them. Use both hands. Careful, now. They bruise easily.
While I am indeed too old to be amazed, anymore, that people throughout the sprawl of human history have been having pretty much the same sort of sex that we, in our modern times, have, I still find it pretty funny. Today's offering of truth on that is below. There will be several, clearly marked as such so that uninterested parties do not have undesired low-hanging fruits thrust upon them. While I am all for such fruit, I can see how others might find it a bit off-putting.
Signior Dildo
Allegedly by John Wilmot, Second Earl of Rochester. Quite a bit of his stuff was published after he was dead and not that much of it was signed. As a result, there's only a functionally firm "allegedly by" here rather than a bone-hard "by". As with the subject of our poem, though, it'll serve.
You ladies all of Merry England,
Who have been to kiss the Duchess's hand,
Say did you lately observe in the show
A noble Italian called Signior Dildo?
The Signior was one of her Highness's train
And helped to conduct her over the main
But now she cries out, "To the Duke I will go,
I have no more need for Signior Dildo."
At the Sign of the Cross in St James's Street
When next you go thigher to make yourselves sweet
By buying of powder, gloves, essence, or so,
You may chance get a sight of Signior Dildo.
You'll take him at first for no person of note
Because he appears in a plain leather coate:
But when you his virtuous abilities know
You'll fall down and worship Signior Dildo.
In the era, they did used to make dildos out of leather, which seems totally unsanitary and not particularly "safer sex practices". Other pre-modern dildos were made of ivory, of china, of stone, of wood... the mind reels, actually. Also, dildos have been around since, like, forever. Certainly for as long as there have been suggestively-shaped vegetables.
My Lady Southeske, heaven prosper her for't,
First clothed him in satin, and brought him to Court;
But his head in the circle he scarcely durst show,
So modest a youth was Signior Dildo.
The people mentioned were all real and they're noted as such in the footnotes. Take it as read that when he's talking about the Lady Whatever, she actually existed and was someone's wife and probably also someone else's mistress. Also, last two lines of the above couplet work a lot better if you've spent some time around flaccid uncut pricks, as the vast bulk of England's penises were at the time and are again now. Circumcision in England started along about the 1870's as a general practice for all baby boys -- "to prevent excessive masturbation" -- and ground to a halt shortly after the NHS stopped paying for it in 1949. It is my considered opinion that, as a sovereign cure for masturbation, circumcision was a complete and utter failure.
The good Lady Suffolk, thinking no harm,
Had got this poor stranger hid under her arm:
Lady Betty by chance came the secret to know,
And from her own mother stole Signior Dildo.
The Countess of Falmouth, of whom people tell,
Her footmen wear shirts of a guinea an ell,
Might save the expense if she but did know
How lusty a swinger is Signior Dildo.
An ell is a unit of length, 45 inches long, used for measuring wool cloth.
By the help of this gallant, the Countess of Ralph,
Against the fierce Harris preserved herself safe:
She stifled him almost beneath her pillow,
So closely she embraced Signior Dildo.
Our dainty fine Duchesses have got a trick
To dote on a fool for the sake of his prick;
The fops were undone did their Graces know
The discretion and vigor of Signior Dildo.
That pattern of virtue her Grace of Cleveland
Has swallowed more pricks than the ocean has sand;
But by rubbing and scrubbing so large it does grow
It is fit for nothing but Signior Dildo.
The Duchess of Modena, though she looks high,
With such a gallant is contented to lie;
And for fear the English her secrets should know,
For a gentleman-usher took Signior Dildo.
The Countess of the Cockpit (who knows not her name?)
She's famous in story for a killing dame
When all her old lovers forsake her, I trow
She'll then be contented with Signior Dildo.
Red Howard, Red Sheldon, and Temple so tall
Complain of his absence so long from Whitehall:
Signior Barnard has promised a journey to go,
And bring back his countryman Signior Dildo.
Doll Howard no longer with his Highness must range,
And therefore is proffered this civil exchange:
Her teeth being rotten, she smells best below,
And needs must be fitted for Signior Dildo.
St Albans with wrinkles and smiles in his face,
Whose kindness to strangers becomes his high place,
In his coach and six horses is gone to Pergo,
To take the fresh air with Signior Dildo.
Were this Signior but known to the citizen fops,
He'd keep their fine wives from the foremen of their shops,
But the rascals deserve their horns should still grow,
For burning the Pope, and his nephew Dildo.
Tom Killirew's wife, North Holland's fine flower,
At the sight of this signior did fart and belch sour,
And her Dutch breedin farther to show,
Says, "Welcome to England, Myn Heer Van Dildo."
He civilly came to the Cockpit one night
And proffered his service to fair Madam Knight,
Quoth she, "I intrigue with Captain Cazzo,
Your nose in mine arse, good Signior Dildo."
The preceding verse is funnier if you know that cazzo is Italian slang for penis, along the lines of "cock" or "prick". Also, in the timeframe under discussion, dildos were a contraband import item and seized contraband were burned, see above about the pope and whatnot. Yay for footnotes!
This signior is sound, safe, ready, and dumb,
As ever was candle, carrot, or thumb;
Then away with these nasty devices and show
How you rate the just merits of Signior Dildo.
Count Cazzo, who carries his nose very high,
In passion did swear that his rival should die;
Then shut himself up, to let the world know,
Flesh and blood could not bear it from Signior Dildo.
A rabble of pricks who were welcome before,
Now finding the porter denied 'em the door,
Maliciously waited his coming below,
and inhumanely fell on Signior Dildo.
Nigh wearied out the poor stranger did fly,
And along the Pall Mall, they followed full cry,
The women concerned from every window,
Cried, "Oh for heaven's sake, save Signior Dildo!"
Pall Mall is not just a Yankee brand of cigarettes. Here, it's a fashionable street that runs past St. James's Palace in London.
The good Lady Sandys burst into a laughter
To see how the bollocks came wobbling after,
And had not their weight retarded the foe
It had gone hard with Signior Dildo.
And here we have the low-hanging fruit. It all comes 'round, see. You knew it would.
While I am indeed too old to be amazed, anymore, that people throughout the sprawl of human history have been having pretty much the same sort of sex that we, in our modern times, have, I still find it pretty funny. Today's offering of truth on that is below. There will be several, clearly marked as such so that uninterested parties do not have undesired low-hanging fruits thrust upon them. While I am all for such fruit, I can see how others might find it a bit off-putting.
Signior Dildo
Allegedly by John Wilmot, Second Earl of Rochester. Quite a bit of his stuff was published after he was dead and not that much of it was signed. As a result, there's only a functionally firm "allegedly by" here rather than a bone-hard "by". As with the subject of our poem, though, it'll serve.
You ladies all of Merry England,
Who have been to kiss the Duchess's hand,
Say did you lately observe in the show
A noble Italian called Signior Dildo?
The Signior was one of her Highness's train
And helped to conduct her over the main
But now she cries out, "To the Duke I will go,
I have no more need for Signior Dildo."
At the Sign of the Cross in St James's Street
When next you go thigher to make yourselves sweet
By buying of powder, gloves, essence, or so,
You may chance get a sight of Signior Dildo.
You'll take him at first for no person of note
Because he appears in a plain leather coate:
But when you his virtuous abilities know
You'll fall down and worship Signior Dildo.
In the era, they did used to make dildos out of leather, which seems totally unsanitary and not particularly "safer sex practices". Other pre-modern dildos were made of ivory, of china, of stone, of wood... the mind reels, actually. Also, dildos have been around since, like, forever. Certainly for as long as there have been suggestively-shaped vegetables.
My Lady Southeske, heaven prosper her for't,
First clothed him in satin, and brought him to Court;
But his head in the circle he scarcely durst show,
So modest a youth was Signior Dildo.
The people mentioned were all real and they're noted as such in the footnotes. Take it as read that when he's talking about the Lady Whatever, she actually existed and was someone's wife and probably also someone else's mistress. Also, last two lines of the above couplet work a lot better if you've spent some time around flaccid uncut pricks, as the vast bulk of England's penises were at the time and are again now. Circumcision in England started along about the 1870's as a general practice for all baby boys -- "to prevent excessive masturbation" -- and ground to a halt shortly after the NHS stopped paying for it in 1949. It is my considered opinion that, as a sovereign cure for masturbation, circumcision was a complete and utter failure.
The good Lady Suffolk, thinking no harm,
Had got this poor stranger hid under her arm:
Lady Betty by chance came the secret to know,
And from her own mother stole Signior Dildo.
The Countess of Falmouth, of whom people tell,
Her footmen wear shirts of a guinea an ell,
Might save the expense if she but did know
How lusty a swinger is Signior Dildo.
An ell is a unit of length, 45 inches long, used for measuring wool cloth.
By the help of this gallant, the Countess of Ralph,
Against the fierce Harris preserved herself safe:
She stifled him almost beneath her pillow,
So closely she embraced Signior Dildo.
Our dainty fine Duchesses have got a trick
To dote on a fool for the sake of his prick;
The fops were undone did their Graces know
The discretion and vigor of Signior Dildo.
That pattern of virtue her Grace of Cleveland
Has swallowed more pricks than the ocean has sand;
But by rubbing and scrubbing so large it does grow
It is fit for nothing but Signior Dildo.
The Duchess of Modena, though she looks high,
With such a gallant is contented to lie;
And for fear the English her secrets should know,
For a gentleman-usher took Signior Dildo.
The Countess of the Cockpit (who knows not her name?)
She's famous in story for a killing dame
When all her old lovers forsake her, I trow
She'll then be contented with Signior Dildo.
Red Howard, Red Sheldon, and Temple so tall
Complain of his absence so long from Whitehall:
Signior Barnard has promised a journey to go,
And bring back his countryman Signior Dildo.
Doll Howard no longer with his Highness must range,
And therefore is proffered this civil exchange:
Her teeth being rotten, she smells best below,
And needs must be fitted for Signior Dildo.
St Albans with wrinkles and smiles in his face,
Whose kindness to strangers becomes his high place,
In his coach and six horses is gone to Pergo,
To take the fresh air with Signior Dildo.
Were this Signior but known to the citizen fops,
He'd keep their fine wives from the foremen of their shops,
But the rascals deserve their horns should still grow,
For burning the Pope, and his nephew Dildo.
Tom Killirew's wife, North Holland's fine flower,
At the sight of this signior did fart and belch sour,
And her Dutch breedin farther to show,
Says, "Welcome to England, Myn Heer Van Dildo."
He civilly came to the Cockpit one night
And proffered his service to fair Madam Knight,
Quoth she, "I intrigue with Captain Cazzo,
Your nose in mine arse, good Signior Dildo."
The preceding verse is funnier if you know that cazzo is Italian slang for penis, along the lines of "cock" or "prick". Also, in the timeframe under discussion, dildos were a contraband import item and seized contraband were burned, see above about the pope and whatnot. Yay for footnotes!
This signior is sound, safe, ready, and dumb,
As ever was candle, carrot, or thumb;
Then away with these nasty devices and show
How you rate the just merits of Signior Dildo.
Count Cazzo, who carries his nose very high,
In passion did swear that his rival should die;
Then shut himself up, to let the world know,
Flesh and blood could not bear it from Signior Dildo.
A rabble of pricks who were welcome before,
Now finding the porter denied 'em the door,
Maliciously waited his coming below,
and inhumanely fell on Signior Dildo.
Nigh wearied out the poor stranger did fly,
And along the Pall Mall, they followed full cry,
The women concerned from every window,
Cried, "Oh for heaven's sake, save Signior Dildo!"
Pall Mall is not just a Yankee brand of cigarettes. Here, it's a fashionable street that runs past St. James's Palace in London.
The good Lady Sandys burst into a laughter
To see how the bollocks came wobbling after,
And had not their weight retarded the foe
It had gone hard with Signior Dildo.
And here we have the low-hanging fruit. It all comes 'round, see. You knew it would.
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no subject
Date: 2008-01-19 02:18 am (UTC)