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Jun. 3rd, 2007 11:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
which_chickRain, rain, rain. Needless to say, I didn't make any progress on the yard or the woodpile this weekend. I suck.
La said today that if I didn't get the IRH to where she rides along the road okay for normal people by the end of the year, she'd get on her and fix her for me. She is, quite honestly, tired of waiting for me to get to where I can fix the horse myself. She thinks that I will get hurt in the process of dicking around further. She thinks that things are at an impasse. She's probably right about the impasse thing. Just -- I don't have any interest in riding a horse that someone else has made. I don't want someone else to fix things for me. (If that was what I wanted, I'd have bought a dead-broke horse ages ago.)
To be perfectly fair to La's point of view, I've been twinking around with the IRH since she turned four years old. It's been five years since then and the horse is still not broke to ride in the simplest and most basic way that she has to be broke to ride. They ride along the road. It's what they do. Horses that do not ride along the road might as well be dead. Due to the car issue, I have a hell of a time putting miles on the IRH. I'm afraid to ride her beside the road because she pretends(?) not to tolerate cars well. The general consensus is that the *reason* she pretends not to tolerate cars well is that she's totally got my number and that I am too paralyzed by fear to usefully correct her. In this particular instance, I am not effective and I am not producing results. Progress is not happening. Further, La figures that she can teach the IRH to tolerate cars in about an hour and she is damn tired of waiting for me to work up the nerve to do it myself.
It is not reasonable or rational to think that someone else fixing the IRH's car issue automatically negates everything I have taught her to do. However, that's pretty much how I feel about it. I don't know, really, that I want to ride a horse where someone else has done all the work. I don't know that I'd want to get on her again if someone else fixed her for me. *sigh* It's like admitting failure. However, everyone is unhappy with the current state of affairs. I'm unhappy because I can't ride the damn horse along the road like her IQ was normal. La is unhappy because I can't/won't make the horse tolerate cars. Liss is unhappy because she thinks I should have had this problem fixed ages ago. She doesn't understand why I'm dicking around with it.
Because I'm scared. Because she's put me off rather a lot of times, almost always over cars, and it scares me. I do not want to hit the ground again. I do not want to be crushed under the wheels of a car or thrown up over the hood of a pickup. I do not ever want to see the horse lunging around three-legged with a leg hanging and bone showing through the skin. I don't want to see her trying to stand with a broken back. I don't want either of us to die. I don't want to wind up paralyzed. I don't want any of that to happen. I am afraid.
It's very easy to say things like, "So, don't be afraid." Ever tried it? Seriously, I mean. Have you tried being competent despite being very afraid? It's kind of tough. I do lots of things that I am scared about doing. I seriously do not like heights. I get up on roofs for my work, though. It scares the hell out of me every time I do it, but I do it anyway. I'm terrified of snakes, in a "scream like a girl" way, and I'm not known for screaming like a girl. However, when there was a black rat snake on my coffee table, I got the broom and gently nudged the snake out of my house. I'm scared of plowing the road, scared that I'll wreck something or that I'll stick the equipment and generate a mess I can't clean up by myself. However, when it snows, I see to it that the snow is removed from the road anyway. In my very particular view of the world, it is a grave failure to let fear keep you from doing what needs to be done. That which needs to be done should be done in spite of one's fear. Fear is not a valid excuse for not-doing-stuff.
It does not help that the horse people are like You've got an incredible amount of bravery. It amazes me. I don't see how you can be that scared and still get on the damn horse. Yes, well. Lovely hallmark sentiment, that is. I'm touched. However, it doesn't fix the fact that I can't seem to accomplish the single most basic skill that the fucking horse has to have... not in five years of trying. Failure, I gotta say, still looks like failure even if you're inspiringingly brave while you're failing. Failure. Failure. Failure.
Fuck.
La said today that if I didn't get the IRH to where she rides along the road okay for normal people by the end of the year, she'd get on her and fix her for me. She is, quite honestly, tired of waiting for me to get to where I can fix the horse myself. She thinks that I will get hurt in the process of dicking around further. She thinks that things are at an impasse. She's probably right about the impasse thing. Just -- I don't have any interest in riding a horse that someone else has made. I don't want someone else to fix things for me. (If that was what I wanted, I'd have bought a dead-broke horse ages ago.)
To be perfectly fair to La's point of view, I've been twinking around with the IRH since she turned four years old. It's been five years since then and the horse is still not broke to ride in the simplest and most basic way that she has to be broke to ride. They ride along the road. It's what they do. Horses that do not ride along the road might as well be dead. Due to the car issue, I have a hell of a time putting miles on the IRH. I'm afraid to ride her beside the road because she pretends(?) not to tolerate cars well. The general consensus is that the *reason* she pretends not to tolerate cars well is that she's totally got my number and that I am too paralyzed by fear to usefully correct her. In this particular instance, I am not effective and I am not producing results. Progress is not happening. Further, La figures that she can teach the IRH to tolerate cars in about an hour and she is damn tired of waiting for me to work up the nerve to do it myself.
It is not reasonable or rational to think that someone else fixing the IRH's car issue automatically negates everything I have taught her to do. However, that's pretty much how I feel about it. I don't know, really, that I want to ride a horse where someone else has done all the work. I don't know that I'd want to get on her again if someone else fixed her for me. *sigh* It's like admitting failure. However, everyone is unhappy with the current state of affairs. I'm unhappy because I can't ride the damn horse along the road like her IQ was normal. La is unhappy because I can't/won't make the horse tolerate cars. Liss is unhappy because she thinks I should have had this problem fixed ages ago. She doesn't understand why I'm dicking around with it.
Because I'm scared. Because she's put me off rather a lot of times, almost always over cars, and it scares me. I do not want to hit the ground again. I do not want to be crushed under the wheels of a car or thrown up over the hood of a pickup. I do not ever want to see the horse lunging around three-legged with a leg hanging and bone showing through the skin. I don't want to see her trying to stand with a broken back. I don't want either of us to die. I don't want to wind up paralyzed. I don't want any of that to happen. I am afraid.
It's very easy to say things like, "So, don't be afraid." Ever tried it? Seriously, I mean. Have you tried being competent despite being very afraid? It's kind of tough. I do lots of things that I am scared about doing. I seriously do not like heights. I get up on roofs for my work, though. It scares the hell out of me every time I do it, but I do it anyway. I'm terrified of snakes, in a "scream like a girl" way, and I'm not known for screaming like a girl. However, when there was a black rat snake on my coffee table, I got the broom and gently nudged the snake out of my house. I'm scared of plowing the road, scared that I'll wreck something or that I'll stick the equipment and generate a mess I can't clean up by myself. However, when it snows, I see to it that the snow is removed from the road anyway. In my very particular view of the world, it is a grave failure to let fear keep you from doing what needs to be done. That which needs to be done should be done in spite of one's fear. Fear is not a valid excuse for not-doing-stuff.
It does not help that the horse people are like You've got an incredible amount of bravery. It amazes me. I don't see how you can be that scared and still get on the damn horse. Yes, well. Lovely hallmark sentiment, that is. I'm touched. However, it doesn't fix the fact that I can't seem to accomplish the single most basic skill that the fucking horse has to have... not in five years of trying. Failure, I gotta say, still looks like failure even if you're inspiringingly brave while you're failing. Failure. Failure. Failure.
Fuck.
