(no subject)

[which_chick]

Actually, isn't the proletariat them that did all the work without getting any of the profits, the exploited working class? I'm not exploiting those. I'm actually exploiting proles (from Orwell's 1984, the ones who didn't work and just played the lotto while living on government handouts.) It's not that I don't WANT to exploit the working class -- honestly, I am a Republican and all -- but generally, they aren't anywhere near as exploitable as the proles.

Anyway. On to the exploiting. Today, I got to snake Melva's toilet again. It now flushes, but I don't think it's right because the snake won't go all the way down it all the time. If I have to pull the toilet again (we've done that once already this year) because it's got something stuck down it, she's gonna pay me twenty bucks. We told her, LAST TIME we pulled the toilet, that if we had to come do it again and it had something stuck down it that it SHOULD NOT HAVE STUCK DOWN IT, it would cost her twenty dollars. Now, Melva doesn't have twenty dollars from one week's end to the next. This shouldn't be a problem, though, because under normal use, toilets do not need to be unattached from the floor and turned upside down so that one may poke through the wet toilet paper and shit from the bottom end to find the mashed up Barney toothbrush jammed in the fucking thing. I've had a toilet in my own home for ten years and I have not ever had to pull it out of the floor, turn it upside down, and root through its guts to make it flush again. That sort of foolishness is above and beyond the call of duty. If Melva persists in behaviors that require me to uproot the toilet, she can damn well support my elitist coffee habit..

Last time this happened, it was an unwatched toddler what did it. Melva said, "I can't watch him all the time". I said, "Melva, you have spent the vast bulk of your life sucking nourishment from the public teats of the great red, white, and blue sow. It's not like you work for a living. What else do you have to do with your time besides keeping the boy from flushing inappropriate items?" Well, actually, I didn't say that.

I don't ever say things like that... but when I'm standing on shit-scented water in Melva's bathroom, trying to divine what the hell she's done to the toilet this time, I have to exercise more restraint than most people think I have to avoid saying things like that.

The rest of the day was uneventful. Mt. Willow is gone now and the woodpile is correspondingly bigger. This is a good thing because we're getting Mt. Red Oak tomorrow morning. The dead trees at Bob F's were deemed hazardous by the power company, who cut them down for free today. Bob called to see how long we wanted the pieces because the power company was apparently willing to cut to suit. I thought that was nice of them, but I won't know how nice until I see what the wood looks like tomorrow. (I have fairly high standards for firewood cutting.) Anyway, I stacked what was left of Mt. Willow this evening so that there would be room for Mt. Red Oak on the morrow.

I was dripping wet (with sweat, people, with sweat. This isnt' *that* sort of blog at all.) when I got done with the woodpile, so I took a shower. The first of the flavored soaps (mango and something else) was delightful and lived up to my expectations, so yay!

Comments

[en-ki.livejournal.com]

I am impressed that you managed to restrain yourself, and astonished that you would charge so little. Is it limited by law or something? I think my "deal with other people's actual, fecal shit" fee would be approximately $500/hr, billed in 2-hour increments.

[which-chick.livejournal.com]

It's not limited by law... the general idea here is not actually to provide me with free lattes. That's just a happy side effect. The game plan is to provide Melva with a real, tangible incentive to not fuck up her toilet. Most people find the shit-and-water flood over the bathroom floor a sufficient deterrent, but that apparently isn't working for Melva, so we're upping the voltage. Thing is, she hasn't GOT five hundred dollars and if I were to charge that, one of two things would happen...

1. The sum would seem so impossibly distant as to be unreal to her so it wouldn't work as a deterrent. She'd just pretend it didn't exist and I'd still have to fix her toilet and there would be no deterrent and no lattes.

2. She wouldn't call me to fix the toilet and would, instead, shit in the tub or in an unused bedroom or whatever. (You probably think I'm kidding. I'm not.)

Five hundred dollars would not work. Twenty might. She's had twenty dollars in her hand before. It's a real sum of money to her. She might possibly be able to come up with twenty dollars on relatively short notice and it's something she won't want to give over because it's enough money to be useful. As a deterrent, it might work. Also, five lattes on the hoof, there. Venti!

[cousin-sue.livejournal.com]

Oh, goody!

Karl does this frequently. In fact, for a living now.

HIS clients are not allowed to go into the bathroom by themselves because they *will* flush inappropriate items down the toilets, especially their toothbrushes. And a Power Flush Toilet, notoriously narrow waisted line, is not something you want to be attempting to get a toothbrush out of.

In fact, Karl had taken the toilet off, and was attempting to use a coat hanger to get the last toothbrush out, grossing out his assistant who could no longer stand it. The coat hanger was not working, Danny had disappeared. Next thing Karl knows here's Danny, and he's got the HOSE, which he attaches to the sink and procedes to spray all over the toilet, scattering used toilet foulness all over the bathroom.

Suddenly...

clatter clatter clatter.

Out comes the toothbrush.

It did NOT work the next time, however.

[which-chick.livejournal.com]

Toothbrushes are very difficult to snake out. I think that's what Melva has down hers -- it'd account for the sometimes, sometimes not nature of snaking her toilet at the moment. The next time she tries to flush a big wad of ick, I expect it's going to back up again. I told her that I didn't think it was right and we went over the pull-costs-twenty-dollars thing and she said she remembered that from before. She said if it backed up again, she'd call back.

I won't charge her twenty unless there's something down there that should not be down there. If I pull it and it's NOT got a toothbrush or whatever down it, that's still free. It only costs money if there's something down there that should not be down a toilet. Shit, toilet paper, water -- these things are free. Toothbrushes, deodorant lids, air fresheners, maxi pads, tampons, action figures -- these things should not be flushed and will cost her if I can't snake 'em out.

Helpful Life-Skills Hint: If something falls into the toilet that should not be in the toilet, the smart course of action is to REACH IN AND PLUCK IT OUT. Do this even if the toilet is full of ick. If the toilet-incompatible object is something you want to keep, you can rinse it off good in the sink with soap and water. If you don't want to keep it or you're very fastidious, throw it away in the trash.

You should NEVER attempt to flush toilet-incompatible items just so that you don't have to reach in the toilet. Trying to flush toilet-incompatible items will NOT save you from touching shit. Odds are quite good that if you flush toilet-incompatible items, you're going to wind up with more shit-touching than you would have if you'd just removed the item from the toilet, EVEN IF IT WAS NOT FLOATING AND THE TOILET WAS FULL OF SHIT, reason being that flushing toilet-incompatible items makes what was in the toilet burble out onto the floor.

Shit will not hurt you, provided that you have no open wounds and wash your hands well afterwards. Ask anyone who has an infant -- they've waded through enough of it changing diapers. Shit washes off pretty easily, all things considered.

Y'know, Heloise never offers up hints like this. Good thing I'm here to tell you this kind of stuff.