which_chick | (no subject) (Reply)

Dear prospective tenant T: We rented to your brother C. He sold heroin out of our apartment, beat up the place, and upset the neighbors. We have a pretty good-sized judgment against his sorry ass for money that we will never see. (We didn't record it because recording judgments against heroin addicts is useless. They will never own anything.) Forgive us, but we are not going to rent to you. We do not have to eat an entire bushel of apples to know that they've rotted. Eating one is sufficient and we have done that. Please stop calling us.

Dear prospective tenant B: My father's wife rented to you. You and your four children busted up the place and left with unpaid damages, rent, and water/sewer bill. You left owing her low-four-figures. We are not renting to you even though you have a new last name and think we won't know it's you. We know it's you. Please stop calling us.

Tenant P: If that dog is still in the apartment now that you've sworn on a stack of Bibles that it isn't, I am going to evict you. Srsly. I didn't say anything when you moved the girl in. I haven't said anything about the boyfriend you moved in. However, I will not tolerate the damn dog. If I see it again, I'm filing on you. You got ONE dog by crying at my Dad until he let you keep it. You still have that dog and you will not get another by crying at me. I am not my father and I don't fucking like dogs.

Tenants at 200: If we don't get some rent money in the next week or so, we will file to evict you. Heating season is over. I don't need you anymore and you owe me part of February and all of March. Your song and dance about why the rent is not paid, it has ceased to amuse.

Tenants at 219, basement: Your rent check bounced. You have until Monday to make good or I'm filing on you, too. You're not a bad tenant, actuallly, and I wish you would make good on the check. However, if you do not, I will file.

Tenant C: I've filed on you every month or so, all winter long. I hate doing it but if I don't file on you, I don't get any rent. I understand that the reason I don't get any rent is that your baby daddy ain't paying the court-ordered child support because he ain't working. I understand that. However, my understanding does not put rent in my hand. It's about the rent, here, not about my understanding. You wait until I file to go ask your grandma for money. When I file, it costs grandma $137.50 in court costs over and above the rent. If you'd just ask her *before* I filed, you'd save her a bundle of money. Also, you didn't come through with money this time. I have an Order for Possession happening next week and if I don't get money before then, you will be on the street with your two little kids. I'll feel bad about it, but I will do it. We are not a charity, here.

Tenant at 347: If you ride that fucking ATV in circles on my lawn one more time, I am not-renewing-your-lease. You've already done rode it enough to wear a fucking track in the grass. No. No ATV on the damn lawn. Also, how can you afford an ATV but you're late on the rent? What are your priorities like, dude?