which_chick | (no subject)

Attention tenants: Landlords do not like it when you paint things. They do not like it for a couple of reasons.

Reason #1 that your landlord does not want to let you paint anything is that you will pick a color from the bottom two color choices on a color sample strip. These colors are invariably way too dark for the wee little apartment rooms you are painting. Closets, particularly those without lights in them, do not want to be painted dark brown.

Reason #2: You will paint about as well as a three year old. Regardless of what you are *trying* to paint, there will be paint on the floor, windows, and trim that you did not intend to paint. You will also get bored with painting and not do all of it to the same level of quality. You don't cut in edges and you don't think anyone EVER checks above the closet doors (on the inside) or along the edges of the closet ceilings... so you don't paint those parts.

Reason #3: You are not really painting something to have it be another color. You are painting so that your space will have a sense of permanence and the aura of belonging-to-you. If you're really into the territorial marking, you will paint "Sam was here!" or similar on the inside of a closet door. In this, you are a lot like a dog peeing on the borders of its property or a stallion shitting on top of other horse poop to cover up its scent with his own. Clearly, you know how classy territorial marking is and how much it impresses the ladies. Way to go!

Fourth, and most importantly, the landlord is not thrilled about letting you paint because as soon as you move, he or she is going to have to repaint the apartment parts that you so helpfully tried to paint. This causes extra work for the landlord and it's acrimonious work because the tenants don't think they should be charged for helping the landlord brighten up his/her apartment. (News Flash: You painted the bedroom pink for your seven year old daughter who wants to be a ballerina. V. cute. And the wallpaper border with ballet shoes and teddy bears, that's really nice, too. But the next person I rent this fucking two bedroom to, she has a sixteen year old son who's really into german death metal. The son does not want a pink bedroom with a teddy ballet border.) Your painting always looks like shit and it's way too fucking dark and it takes two coats, at a minimum, to cover your fucking territorial markings with a nice, inoffensive beige that can accomodate both seven year old ballerinas and sixteen year olds who listen to Rammstein.

Guidelines for tenants who want to paint things.
1. Live there at least five years before asking if you can paint shit.

2. Pay the rent ON TIME, every month, and don't cause trouble with other tenants. Good tenants have better odds of being allowed to paint than bad tenants.

3. ASK before painting.

4. Pick a color from the top two on any color strip. The top two (lightest) colors on a color strip can generally be covered with one coat of our preferred off-white color.

I think I've done this rant before, but I felt moved to do it again by the ex-tenant who helpfully painted two closets Cafe au Lait, thus making them absorb all light from the universe. Two coats to cover that shit with canvas white. It's like they do it on purpose...