which_chick | (no subject)

Sometimes I write letters for our businesses. While not quite what I envisioned doing with my degree in English Lit, it has its moments. Here is the letter I wrote today:

Mr. White Trash Redneck:

Upon our inspection of the property at 28 W. 4th Street, we found that you had left some of your property on the premises. You have two weeks from the receipt of this letter to contact us and arrange to remove your property from the premises. If you fail to contact us within two weeks, we will dispose of your property as we see fit.

Please note that the property left at 28 W. 4th Street includes one (1) live Basset-Beagle mixed breed dog with an injured hind leg.

To contact us so that you can remove your property, please use the following phone numbers:

8 AM to 4 PM, M-F: 814 555 1212
Other hours: 814 555 1212

Here is the letter I wanted to write today:

Mr. White Trash Redneck:

After we evicted your ass for nonpayment of rent (when we bought the building containing your squatting, non-rent-paying ass from your helplessly incompetent previous landlord, we also bought the rights to your unpaid back rent so that we could evict you right away, a process your previous landlord would not pursue because she was, as I said, helplessly incompetent), we discovered that you left some of your property on the premises. By law, we're not allowed to throw your shit away without trying to contact you because clearly, stuff you leave behind in an apartment you've been evicted from is stuff you're really attached to and would miss if it were gone.

You have two weeks from the receipt of this letter (which we are sending to the address you've been evicted from because it's the only one we have for you) to contact us and arrange to remove your property from the premises. If you fail to contact us within two weeks, we will dispose of your property as we see fit.

Please note that the property left at 28 W. 4th Street includes one (1) live Basset-Beagle mixed breed dog with an injured hind leg. This is morally reprehensible, you dumb motherfucker. When you take on a pet, you become responsible for his or her well-being. You LEFT YOUR FUCKING DOG BEHIND!! What did you think would happen to it? Are you not man enough to take it to the pound yourself? ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE!

By law, we-the-landlords have to keep your dog alive for the time it takes for our registered letter to come back as undeliverable, no-forwarding-address or 'date of delivery plus two weeks' before we can take it to the pound. Should you actually have any interest in your abandoned dog, you'll be happy to know that we are law-abiding landlords instead of 'keeping a pistol under the seat of the truck for *just* this sort of problem' landlords.

To contact us so that you can remove your property, please use the following phone numbers:

8 AM to 4 PM, M-F: 814 555 1212
Other hours: 814 555 1212