which_chick (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
which_chick) wrote2009-02-11 07:50 pm
which_chick) wrote2009-02-11 07:50 pm
(no subject)
Advice that will never reach the intended audience, presented here for your amusement.
Reasonably attractive Xtube contributor: You are filming yourself having a two minute wank. Please get over your efforts at cinematic technique. You are not Orson Welles. This is not Citizen Kane. Good lighting and a sort of documentary approach will suffice. Also, please buy a fucking tripod -- the handheld camera work makes your video look like The Blair Witch Project. A tripod might also keep you from twinking with the zoom and the white balance in medias res (it's very distracting, though I do admit to a grudging admiration for your ability to multitask). Remember, we're not interested in watching you play with the *camera*...
Yearling deer running up the road in front of my truck this morning: Running up the road in front of the vehicle is not a good escape strategy. I know that there are no trees or other obstacles on the road so that you can run faster on it than you can run through the woods. The thing is, the truck is faster than you are. Now, if you veer off the road and head into the WOODS, you will discover that trucks won't follow you there. Trucks do not dodge tree trunks or leap over fallen trees very well... but deer do. Play to your strengths. Also, leaping vertically, higher than the roof of my truck, that doesn't help either and it looks like you're showing off.
Canada geese standing on the lake this morning: The lake is frozen, which is why you cannot swim on it. Having a goose convention where you all stand on the ice and honk purposefully in the early morning is not going to solve the problem. Next year, you might try flying south for the winter instead of hanging about up here and complaining about the ice.
Youbee (one of the two cats): Sitting in front of the food cupboard and meowing piteously as soon as I walk in the door is not going to make the food materialize any faster. Also, it is medically impossible for a healthy cat of normal weight to starve to death in only twelve hours. You are not starving no matter how piteously you whine.
Nicknick (the red idiot): You forgot to act stupid today when we went out for a ride, which suggests to me that you didn't really lose all your brains during the Very Cold Non-Riding Weather no matter what you pretended had happened to your brains when we went out on Monday afternoon. Honestly, I should have known better than to take you seriously. Spooking at *trees*? I can't believe I fell for that crap... but I'm on to you now, you old rip.
Reasonably attractive Xtube contributor: You are filming yourself having a two minute wank. Please get over your efforts at cinematic technique. You are not Orson Welles. This is not Citizen Kane. Good lighting and a sort of documentary approach will suffice. Also, please buy a fucking tripod -- the handheld camera work makes your video look like The Blair Witch Project. A tripod might also keep you from twinking with the zoom and the white balance in medias res (it's very distracting, though I do admit to a grudging admiration for your ability to multitask). Remember, we're not interested in watching you play with the *camera*...
Yearling deer running up the road in front of my truck this morning: Running up the road in front of the vehicle is not a good escape strategy. I know that there are no trees or other obstacles on the road so that you can run faster on it than you can run through the woods. The thing is, the truck is faster than you are. Now, if you veer off the road and head into the WOODS, you will discover that trucks won't follow you there. Trucks do not dodge tree trunks or leap over fallen trees very well... but deer do. Play to your strengths. Also, leaping vertically, higher than the roof of my truck, that doesn't help either and it looks like you're showing off.
Canada geese standing on the lake this morning: The lake is frozen, which is why you cannot swim on it. Having a goose convention where you all stand on the ice and honk purposefully in the early morning is not going to solve the problem. Next year, you might try flying south for the winter instead of hanging about up here and complaining about the ice.
Youbee (one of the two cats): Sitting in front of the food cupboard and meowing piteously as soon as I walk in the door is not going to make the food materialize any faster. Also, it is medically impossible for a healthy cat of normal weight to starve to death in only twelve hours. You are not starving no matter how piteously you whine.
Nicknick (the red idiot): You forgot to act stupid today when we went out for a ride, which suggests to me that you didn't really lose all your brains during the Very Cold Non-Riding Weather no matter what you pretended had happened to your brains when we went out on Monday afternoon. Honestly, I should have known better than to take you seriously. Spooking at *trees*? I can't believe I fell for that crap... but I'm on to you now, you old rip.
no subject